Oh dear. This is very embarrassing, if not a little predictable. It seems our penalty points system is a disaster, writes Kilian Doyle
In fact, not only is it a disaster; it's two shambles of a travesty of six messes of three fiascos, as Woody Allen might say. Fancy that. Incompetence in traffic management in Ireland. Who'd have thought it?
Frankly, it's no surprise to me that the Public Accounts Committee has found 49 per cent of the 108,000 or so photographs taken by Garda speed cameras last year were Paris Hiltons - spoiled and useless.
I got wind of the problem with fixed cameras a long time ago, heard whispers that a good proportion of the film in fixed cameras has rotted by the time it was removed. The cameras are neglected, left like graveside bouquets to wilt and die.
"Call yourself a journalist? Why didn't you say something then?" you may ask.
The term I like to use is "embittered old hack", but I see your point. I said nothing because I didn't believe it. Not even someone as terminally afflicted with cynicism as I could take such a wild notion seriously. It's akin to saying our fine gardaí are bungling fools. I mean, really. Such a thought would never cross my mind.
Fact is, the analogue cameras that we do have are ancient, banjaxed old yokes, the Betamax of speed cameras. The film has to be taken out manually and processed, and gardaí only get to them every so often. Understandable enough - there are only six cameras in a large number of dummy boxes across this green and pleasant land. I think we can forgive them for forgetting which box they put the cameras in, don't you?
The obvious solution is digital cameras, which can be equipped with a modem sending images back to a central computer, obviating the need for Garda Malachy to get up off his backside. I know it sounds complicated, but there are nine-year-old children out there uploading digital photos to their own websites. Surely the gardaí are more technically savvy than nine year olds. Aren't they? Please someone tell me they are. If not, I'm sure there are plenty of nine year olds out there who'd be only too happy to advise them.
Of course there are other reasons why photos are spoiled. According to top Garda brass, dirty number plates, rain and the dark are terrible men for ruining photos. Please. The US military can see through walls and land a Cruise missile on al-Zarqawi's lap as he's having his breakfast and you can't get a camera to take photos in the dark?
The PAC found that due to "administrative problems", of the 50 per cent of motorists whose snaps do come out, only one in seven of those who refused to cough up and take their punishment were ever given a fine or penalty points in court.
The reality is, if you get flashed, you have a one in 14 chance of ever getting points. As any betting fan will know, they're pretty attractive odds. So good, tens of thousands of people are betting their licences on them every day. According to the PAC, the problems "should have been foreseen". Ah, now, hold on a minute. Foreseen? That's expecting a bit much, in fairness. Two words: Martin Cullen. Mr Electronic Voting Machine is hardly a paragon of prescience, now is he?
Anyway, that's all in the past. The Department of Justice has promised that the new computerised penalty points system means things will run much more swimmingly in the future.
That's a relief. I, for one, am supremely confident that the relevant authorities have the ability to ensure there are no more mistakes. There will be no repeat of this fiasco.
No sniggering down the back.