The Opel EcoFlex challenge in Sweden may be worthy and environmentally earnest, but where is the fun, writes PADDY COMYN
WELCOME TO purgatory. That waiting place between heaven and hell. Nobody really knows what is it supposed to be. We know that heaven has a largely white colour scheme and people smile a lot, while hell is probably full of fire and people groaning in agony.
Perhaps purgatory, then, is an Eco-driving competition.
On one hand, it is attempting to do good by instilling a sense of environmental awareness and sensibility, while on the other hand it involves some overly excited Germans driving cars as frugally as possible and the sort of music they use to extract confessions from terrorists played at random intervals.
We are in Sweden for the Opel EcoFlex challenge, something thought up by someone who I’d now like to be killed and which involves putting 20 drivers from 20 different European countries into a competition to see who can use the least fuel over a series of challenges.
The winners of each country were selected not on the basis of actually showing any actual talent or skill in Eco driving, but rather that by completing an online competition quickly. Oh dear.
I’ve been put through Eco driving courses before. It’s usually if I am being punished by the motoring editor or I’ve lost a bet.
It involves taking everything you’ve ever learned about driving and then removing all the enjoyment and fun. You coast from A to B, accelerate gently, avoid using the brakes and generally drive like a octogenarian nun. It is all very worthy and of course good for the environment. But is it exciting? No.
Opel, in their wisdom, have sought to make it interesting by waving some pretty hefty prizes under the noses of the contestants, who up until now have only used their computers to display their green credentials.
Third prize is an Opel Corsa EcoFlex; second is an Opel Astra; and first prize is a brand new Opel Ampera – the extended range electric vehicle which has yet to even go into production.
So what better way to encourage us to be greener than by flying everyone into Copenhagen, Denmark and then busing us all to a track in Sweden.
Ireland’s winner isn’t on the plane with me as we land in Copenhagen because his flight is coming from Krakov, Poland.
A holiday perhaps? No, Szczepan Sroka is Polish and currently living in Poland having lost his job as a delivery driver in Ireland but is set to return to Ireland after the summer. Thankfully his English is better than my Polish.
You may ask why am I here? Well for the next two days, as part of Team Ireland I will be needed for a whole nine minutes to act as co-driver for one of the tasks, guiding Szczepan through a route Stevie Wonder could navigate on his own, while holding a stopwatch. I hadn’t much planned for the other 2,871 minutes anyway.
The event is hosted by a German weather presenter who wore the kind of microphone that adorns motivational speakers, and who is as happy and excitable as a coked-up children’s TV presenter and as irritating as smallpox.
He guides us through the baffling rules and instructions for the next two days. All of this is done with a smile and jazz hands. Imagine a Bavarian Barney the dinosaur and you are there.
The winner will be the driver who over four driving challenges uses the least fuel and incurs the fewest penalties, with the final event being a 20-lap “race” where the winner will be the one who crossed the line first and who hasn’t run out of fuel. Or presumably hasn’t died of boredom.
My nine minutes aren’t to take place until Friday so having waved goodbye to Thursday and with the drivers having had all their tuition we are ready to begin.
We can happily report that we excelled at stopwatch operation. Szczepan did well at his first two tasks, which was amazing considering nobody really knew what you were required to do in either of them.
MATHS WAS NEVER my strong point, but neither was it a strength of the organisers. Entering the final event, Finland was leading with 153 points, which was remarkable considering there were a maximum of 150 on offer. Cue much head-scratching and clipboard checking. And lots of waiting.
Then eventually to the race. To paraphrase Larry Gogan in the Just a Minute Quiz, the race didn’t suit Ireland. We came 18th. Slovenia won the race but came 4th overall. Portugal won the Ampera.
Opel are delighted and they are doing it again next year. Please God I wont be.
