Emissions Kilian DoyleWho said religion was behind the times? Those crazy hip dudes in the Russian Orthodox Church have dragged their ancient faith kicking and screaming into the 21st Century by making jaywalking a sin.
So fed up of his congregation being decimated by pedestrian deaths was the priest at the Church of Nikolai the Miracle Worker in Yekaterinburg that he declared crossing on a red light a sin. Apparently dozens of shuffling Russian pensioners a year are sent a bit early to their heavenly rewards by speeding motorists. Not to mention the carnage among the sozzled masses, dying in their droves as they stagger across highways with the sense of invincibility a few litres of bootlegged vodka will give you.
"By violating these mundane laws, you are violating the law of God!" Father Germogen reportedly told his dwindling flock. You have to admire the Holy Father of the Safe Cross Code's willingness to update his church's teachings to fit the realities of modern life.
I concede it's not all the Christian church's fault that it's perceived as being behind the times. After all, it's pretty inconceivable that Moses up on his mountain had to hold himself back from upsetting the symmetry of the Decalogue and tapping "Thou shall not stagger drunkenly across a dual carriageway" into the stone.
(But all may not be so modern within Orthodoxy. A short while after this monumental pronouncement, an Orthodox chapel was destroyed by church leaders because some rebel priest married two blokes in it.)
I've decided that God has a sick sense of humour. To illustrate the point further, I found a story on a US Christian website about a crowd of 10 Texan high school athletes. These unfortunate kids were stopped by the side of a road, preparing for a practice run, when a car ploughed into them, killing one and injuring at least three others. And what were they doing at the side of the road? Praying.
It gets worse. A few weeks previously, the driver of a Louisiana church bus carrying senior citizens fell asleep at the wheel, tearing into a parked truck and sending seven of his charges to meet their makers. He may or may not have had a plastic Jesus on the dashboard. We'll never know.
Not only is God evidently a tad twisted, but some members of the Catholic Church have a pretty bizarre attitude to the pedestrian.
Last June, the Catholic Bishop of Phoenix, Arizona had a bit of an accident while on his way home from a Mass and confirmation. Actually, it was more than a bit of an accident. Without putting too fine a point on it, he flattened some chap, flinging him on to the other side of the road to be finished off by an oncoming car.
Did the good Bishop Thomas O'Brien screech to a halt, jumping from his car to beg for forgiveness as he nurtured the dying man in his arms? Of course not. He hurried off home.
Inevitably, police caught up with him, only to find him insisting he thought he'd only hit a dog or a cat. Some cat. The 43-year-old victim was six feet tall and weighed 16 stone. The bishop had apparently even tried to have his damaged vehicle fixed up before the cops came a knocking. The now-former bishop is facing a possible four years in jail for running from a serious accident.
But here's the beauty of it - O'Brien has succeeded in his appeal not to be charged with causing the man's death. Why? Because he was jaywalking. How very Christian of the disgraced prelate. God must be pleased.
(kdoyle@irish-times.com)