The Essen show may have the good, the bad and the ugly (and of course the madly expensive) but, says Nick Hall, it never has the dull.
Manufacturers do come, but the Essen Motor Show is the showcase event of the year for the tuning community with a collection of wild, flamboyant and some offensive creations from the creative minds that take BMWs, Porsches et al and give them wings. There's no room for Chavved up Novas here, it's all premium rate material with eye-watering price tags.
And the nature of the show makes it all the more surprising that VW chose this stage to launch perhaps the ultimate Q car, as VW took the opportunity to present its almighty R36 Passat. With 296bhp at its disposal, thanks to a 3.6-litre FSI V6 the fastest VW ever comes equipped with four-wheel drive, VW's six-speed DSG transmission and performance normally reserved for the hottest cars from VAG's prestige brand Audi. This relatively subdued machine that will form a truly enticing budget alternative to the Audi S4 will screech to 100kph in 5.6 secs and on to the electronically limited top end speed of 250km/h.
External cues to the almighty performance held within the saloon and estate variants are deep front air intakes, side skirts and rear apron. Then there are the 18" wheels holding dinner plate-sized brake discs that show just how serious a machine VW has released. With a UK sticker price expected to fall below the £30,000 mark, this may be the bargain of the year when it hits the streets in 2007.
Audi was not to be outdone by its sibling, bringing the 260bhp 3.2-litre TT Roadster to the party. The drop-top version of the new and shapely TT is bound to attract those with bonuses and the sharper edges of the new model means that the TT at last adds a touch of much-needed masculinity.
But Essen isn't about the manufacturers, most of which were busy displaying their wares over at the bigger Los Angeles show. This is the tuners' playground, and there were some truly crazy cars for those with outlandish taste and deep pockets. And Audi was even upstaged by a tweaked version of its own products . . .
Abt Sportsline came to the show with a dual-fuel TT-R that produces 355bhp whether it's running on petrol or the LPG tank they have squeezed into this compact car that adds 400km to the range. The supercharger strapped to the 3.2-litre liberates almost 100 extra horses from the TT and it now makes the 100km/h mark in a clean five seconds - almost a second faster than the standard model.
Ruf is arguably the most famous name in the tuning world and even features on the Gran Turismo games, having made its reputation over decades tuning Porsches. Alois Ruf's company, based in the implausibly named Pfaffenhausen, is officially classed as a manufacturer, and the RGT comes with full Ruf badging.
Based on the track-focused GT3 and inspired by the legendary 1973 911 Carrera RS, the RGT comes with a racer's look with bolt-on wheel arches and an integral rollcage that helps the completely new suspension system achieve pin-sharp handling. Weight saving measures include removing the rear seats and replacing the doors with lightweight options. And then Ruf went to work on the 3.8-litre engine, producing a 445bhp projectile missile.
The car hits 100km/h in 4.2 seconds, 200km/h in 13.5 seconds, and a top end speed of 315km/h, so can show a clean pair of heels even to Porsche's almighty RS. The price tag has yet to be confirmed, but expect something approaching €200,000.
Far more extreme Porsches made it to the show, however, including Gemballa's Mirage GT supercar. Based upon the already ludicrously fast Porsche GT, this is another car that comes with a new manufacturer plate, and a white one has already found its way to Dubai.
This car could comfortably top 1,000bhp and chase down the Bugatti Veyron, according to Gemballa, but verging on the side of safety with the twin-turbocharged version of the 5.7-litre V10 has resulted in a "mere" 750bhp. That should still be enough to take this simply daft car to 100km/h in 3.4 seconds and to a theoretical top speed of 400km/h-plus. It took pride of place on Brembo's stand and the brake manufacturer provided some of the most indecently-sized ceramic discs known to man.
And with the hard-top with roof scoop in place to feed those dramatic turbos, this car could easily star in the next Batman film. Sadly, if you need to ask the price, you simply cannot afford it.
Tuning isn't all about million dollar supercars, though, and one of the show's stars started out as a BMW Z4 Coupé, but has been transformed into a machine that will destroy BMW's own M version.
Hartge's Z30 Biturbo takes the stunning engine from the 335i, tweaked up to produce a more than respectable 380bhp by the small team in Beckingen. It weighs less than the Z4M Coupé, at 1,395kg, and has bags more torque, so should be faster throughout the range and through the bends. The 0-100km/h time of 4.8 seconds is exciting enough, but the top end speed of 283km/h goes that step beyond.
Carlsson brought its Mercedes CL conversion, the CK50, with its 430bhp, five-litre arsenal under the bonnet. Adding a supercharger has turned the five-litre CL from rapid yet comfortable transport into a comfortable rocket ship and, with the traction control off, this beast will melt its tyres on a standing start with enough throttle.
Rolf Hartge, the brother of Hartge boss Herbert, disproves the theory that the tuning world is the preserve of the young with a clientele pushing 50 on average.
And then there was the Eiger AMV8400-plus, a complete re-jig of the baby Aston with Prodrive parts and a new interior without the irksome Volvo SatNav. This machine should be much quicker than Gaydon's offerings but is really little more than a promotional tool for Eiger and its partners.
There was a Bentley there, too, although the workers at Crewe might not be too pleased to see what Mansory has done to their Continental GT.
This widebody version came in the striking colour combination of black-and-orange, which are warning colours for a reason. This garish display required sunglasses for close analysis, especially the interior that continued the theme with luminous orange Alcantara trim, but had it been an all-black example then the factory might even have approved.
Extended wheelarches, a plunging front end that would intimidate the car in front out of the fast lane with a mere look and a rear wing, combined with those garish twin-spoke wheels, provide all the menace the car requires and more. And under the bonnet Mansory has pulled 650 raging horses from the six-litre V12 and knocked half a second off the standard model's 0-100km/h time. It now breaches the mark in 4.5 seconds and tops out at 325km/h, not bad for a car that tips the scales at more than 2,300kg. There were other abominations, too, including a Humvee in Gulf Racing colours and a light pink Ferrari 360 Modena conversion.
Had the Pink Panther driven this car, car-loving kids would have cheered for the Aardvark. Still, tuning is all about individuality and if someone wants it and is prepared to spend the cash then there is a company that will build the car, whether it's a good idea or not.
So Essen was full of the good, the bad and the ugly. But nobody could say it was dull.