Emissions: There's a lot of thievery about these days. Cars are disappearing as fast as politician's promises a month after election time. Stereos and handbags have been lifted from cars for decades. But airbags? That's a new one on me, writes Kilian Doyle
In case you missed it, there was great brouhaha pre-Christmas about airbags being the latest target for thieves. Now that most new cars have such sophisticated security that it's getting near impossible to break into a car and drive it off without the key, thieves are reduced to nicking bits of them instead.
It appears most victims of airbag robbery are commuters parking their cars at train stations across Leinster, presumably off to the bright lights of the Big Smoke.
As if having to spend half their lives travelling to jobs they probably hate and back again wasn't bad enough, they are now coming back to find they've been debagged. Seems some devious types are breaking in and expertly removing the airbags and the explosive charges that send them off.
A Garda spokeswoman described the thefts as "very strange". Ever the masters of the blindingly obvious, the gardaí.
I was bewildered. Why go to all that trouble? I wondered. I mean, what is it other than a fancy inflatable sack? I'm displaying my ignorance here, but it never occurred to me that these particular balloons cost hundreds of euro to replace.
Even more of a shock to me is that airbags have small bombs attached to them to make them inflate. To tell you the truth, the second I heard the word "explosive", I immediately assumed the phenomenon was a new sideline for all those newly decommissioned "freedom fighters" lying around with nothing to amuse themselves.
You have to understand, dear readers, that my vehicular knowledge is largely confined to the machinations of my ageing Bavarian Princess. She is from the pre-airbag era, not to mention the era before traction control and ABS and satellite navigation, air conditioning and all the other new-fangled devices you lovely people have these days. The poor old dame is lucky to have windows that go up and down, bless her. (I'm not jealous. The more gadgets you have, the more there is to go wrong, as far as I'm concerned. Keep it minimal, that's my motto.)
The whole sorry tale put me in mind of a documentary I saw on the box years ago about Milan. The narrator explained that car stereo theft was so rife in the city that everyone was forced to carry his or hers with them everywhere. Cue footage of groups of beautiful young Gucci-clad fashionistas dancing in a disco, bumper to bumper, encircling piles of stereos that they'd dumped on the floor for safekeeping.
Is that what we're to be reduced to? I can see it now - the good commuters of Maynooth or Portarlington or Donabate out for a night on the town, full of alcopops and lager, dancing around their airbags. Tragic. (Actually, now that I think of it, an airbag in one's pocket might come in handy when one is blind drunk and falling over every 10 yards. There's many a time I wish I'd had a full-body airbag.)
So what are these pernicious opportunists going to target next? Steering wheels? Seatbelts? The seats themselves?
Imagine coming back to your car after a few hours standing on the packed 6.14 from Connolly, opening the door and plonking yourself down, only to land on the Tarmac of the car park because some loodramawn has nicked the whole floor out of your lovely new saloon? The car industry had better cotton on to this possible threat, or the bottom will fall out of the market. Boom boom!
(Oh, dear. That's very poor. I do hope this isn't going to be one of those years again. Ed.)