The motoring editor and I had a wee chat recently. I was commiserating with him on his terrible burden, the one that's left him, a car nut, with the horrendous chore of driving fancy new motors all day. He must have been up to some ferocious dastardliness in a previous life to deserve such a fate, writes Kilian Doyle
Our talk turned to our dream cars. I'll let him divulge his Top Five list at a time of his choosing, but mine, you can have for nowt, here and now.
It has to be understood that this is completely imaginary. The fact that those incompetent knuckledraggers in the National Lotto offices appear unlikely to ever bother fixing the glitch that prevents my numbers ever coming up means I'm as liable to be made lifetime president of the Progressive Democrats as I am to actually own them all.
That said, there are benefits to this exercise. As it is purely fanciful, I am free of the moral constraints preventing me from confessing any aspirations towards owning a gas-guzzling 1,000 horsepower supercar. I don't even feel the need to put down "Bicycle" to satisfy my conscience.
Without further ado, I present, for your edification, the Emissions Top Five Dream Cars.
1 Citroën DS: Do I really have to explain why? Do I? Alright so, ye shower of troglodytes, I will. Because it's the most beautiful car ever made. Bar none. The mere sight of a DS21 is enough to reduce me to a quivering wreck, to leave me whimpering in awe at the magnificence of its curves.
2 I think I'd be remiss if I didn't include a classic Beemer, don't you? I would say BMW 2002, but I've already got one of them, albeit not the non plus ultra, the 2002 Turbo. In truth, I'd ditch my 2002 instantly for a pristine E9 3.0 CSL, the best looking car ever to come out of Bavaria. Problem is, a good one is as hard to find as a penniless politician at the Galway Races. Most of them are rusty as a mermaid's nipple ring. Thankfully, this isn't reality. Rust is but a colour in my dream car world.
3 Now the everyday car. I wanted to put down BMW M6, a car as fast, furious and sexy as Heidi Klum strapped to a Katyusha missile. Sadly, they're no good sizewise for the growing Clan Emissions. So I am toeing the motoring editor's line and opting for the M5. Looks innocuous enough in the supermarket car park, plenty of room for kids and shopping and other assorted trappings of family life. The genius of this car is that while it's family-friendly, it's also a steroid-pumping thug in a business suit that allows Daddies and Mummies to act like hooligans on the track when their offspring are safely out of sight.
4 Here's where the hypocrite in me really starts to reveal himself. After all my rants about SUVs, I confess I'd like a long-wheelbase Land Rover Defender for surf trips. Yes, I know. Shock horror. Get over it. It's only imaginary, remember?
5 Finally, I suppose I'd have to have a supercar of some description. I know nothing about them, so I perused a list of the world's 10 most expensive production cars for inspiration. Recognised about two of the names. What is the SSC Ultimate Aero? Sounds like a newfangled razor. And hands up if you know what a LeBlanc Mirabeau looks like?
I decided on a Maserati MC12 Corsa. This decision is based solely on the fact it costs a million euro (before tax), there will only be 12 built and I could flog it to some Arab prince, spending the proceeds on a nice muddy plot by the Atlantic on which I'd drive my Land Rover between stints on a racetrack with the M5.
If I'd any dosh left over, I'd buy a bicycle for anyone sending in a better list than mine. Come on then, let's be having ye . . .