WE GET bombarded with press releases here in Emissions Towers. Most are so bad, they make my teeth curl. So, out of self-interest, here's a few tips for the writers of these aberrations, writes KILIAN DOYLE
First, DON’T USE CAPITAL LETTERS ALL THE TIME. You wouldn’t shout down the phone at the frazzled journalist you’re trying to ingratiate yourself with, would you? So don’t do it in an e-mail either. It’ll go straight into the bin marked TRASH.
Second, exclamation marks are taboo. They’re like laughing at your own jokes. We’ll decide what’s funny, if you don’t mind.
Third, some of the photos you send in thinking you’ll get picture editors jumping with glee are truly atrocious.
Three middle-aged suits drooling over a hot young babe in a new hatchback is not newsworthy. It’s just creepy.
I’d like to go through a few of these rubbish press releases for examples of how not to do it. But the public relations business regarding Irish motoring is a small pond, so I’ll protect the guilty by using some of the dross spouted out by British publicists instead.
To begin, here’s one whose headline screamed incompetence from the screen: “SCRAPPAGE SCHEME MAKES DAIHATSU SIRION AMAZING VALUE”.
When you read this, what’s the first thing that comes into your mind? Is it that you wished you lived in Britain so you could swap your worthless banger for £2,000 off a new Daihatsu? No? That’s because you’re too busy thinking the Sirion must have been a massive rip-off before they knocked £2,000 off the price.
Perodua is another firm that’s “DELIGHTED” at the scrappage scheme, presumably because it thinks it may see its total annual sales in the UK double to at least 14.
“The Kenari mini-MPV has power steering, central locking, electric front windows and metallic paintwork all as standard,” the Perodua release exclaims.
Big deal. This is 2009. You can buy Japanese toilets with more equipment than that.
Next thing you know, they’ll even be boasting that their cars come with free steering wheels. Well, whaddya know, but they do.
“The Myvi has all the important features you would expect from a new car,” it continues. Oh dear. Sometimes, even I have to have some sympathy for these poor PR goons.
How depressing must it be to walk into work every morning only to be presented with a new turd to polish.
"DOES YOUR DAD THINK HE'S ' FAST & FURIOUS'? reads the headline plugging Father's Day gifts of track days in Astons and Lambos.
"Most Dads reckon they're pretty hot when it comes to driving, and probably fancy themselves as a bit of a Vin Diesel from the film Fast & Furious," the pitch says.
Really? These people have obviously never bothered contacting my father.
I bet you my pancreas he wouldn’t know Vin Diesel if he ran over him in a shopping trolley with a V8 strapped to it. As for fast and furious, my Dad thinks that’s a style of jazz drumming. And if he ever feels pretty hot at driving, he switches on the air conditioning.
Anyway, while I’m on a roll, exactly which bit of Mr Diesel are you idiots insinuating my father imagines himself to be?
Thanks but no thanks. I’ll just get him book tokens. Again.
Finally, this caught my eye: “2009 Toyota Hiace – Cooler Than Ever”. Eh? When was a Hiace ever cool? That’s akin to saying “Lard – Healthier Than Ever”.
It turns out that these wags have derived this “joke” from the fact the Hiace now comes with air conditioning as standard. How droll.
The release carries on to proudly reveal the “window glass has been changed to reduce UV glare”.
I only mention it because one of the army of press officers listed as being available to speak to journalists about this amazing visual innovation is a fellow aptly named Richard Seymour.
You couldn’t make it up.