Is there more to being a godparent than remembering birthdays? Do godparents act as guardians if a parent dies? And what's God got to do with it? Róisín Ingle looks at an age-old institution and the many approaches people take to it
'We want you to be a godparent." You wouldn't be human if those few words didn't induce a slight thrill when addressed to you. Of all the people in all the world they could have chosen, your friend, or your sister, or your brother, or your cousin wants you to perform what is still seen as a significant role.
But what does being a good godparent involve? And do we take it as seriously as we should? Originally, the need for godparents came about when people were converting to Christianity from another religion. Those who wanted to be baptised had to find a Christian friend who would convince the bishop that they would provide support to the convert.
These days, the role seems to have less to do with religion and more to do with sticking an extra few notes in an envelope when the godchild's birthday comes around. But, however much we might like to ignore it, technically being a godparent is "to lead a Christian life in harmony with baptism and to fulfil faithfully the obligations connected with it." The late Pope John Paul II noted that godparents should be examples of "solid faith, of deep prayer and of active involvement in the Church's life". Fr Arthur O'Neill, a priest in Dublin, believes most people who agree to sponsor a child at baptism are committed to the role. "I think that when they are standing there at the font, giving the responses, they really believe what they are saying," he says. "But, like anything, this can change, and being a committed godparent is a challenge."
Choosing godparents can be a challenge, too. Susan has three children, and says choosing the godparents was tricky because she didn't want "to step on anyone's toes". "It can be a delicate situation. We ended up choosing family members because it was just easier and wouldn't offend," she says. "We don't expect too much from them, maybe an extra present on their birthday. To be honest, the religious side of it is not really an issue."
As the influence of the Catholic Church wanes, increasing numbers of parents - who still want friends or family to have a special role in their child's life - are contacting the Humanist Association of Ireland about having an alternative ceremony. "A lot of people are holding naming ceremonies, using our book as a guide and having a friend or family member, rather than a priest, as host for the proceedings," says Dick Spicer of the association. "The baby has sponsors rather than godparents, and the sponsors sometimes make commitments that the child can turn to them for advice and friendship in the future, at times of doubt or difficulty."
One of the most widespread myths about godparenting is that the godparents become the legal guardians of the child, should the parents die. Parents may choose to include the godparents in their will as potential legal guardians, but becoming a godparent has no legal implications.
Some people never get asked to be godparents, which can be a source of simmering resentment if they are secretly longing for the role. Others have more godchildren than they know what to do with. This is especially true of people who haven't been "blessed" with children of their own and are coming down with friends and relations anxious to give them the consolation prize of being a godparent. Don't be surprised if they feel patronised by this process and neglect their duties as a result.
Despite it being generally perceived as an honour, not everyone welcomes the responsibility of being a godparent. One godmother, Julie, advises prospective godparents to think carefully before agreeing. "It has definitely changed my relationship with my friend, who is the mother of my godchild," she says. "I feel under more pressure now to always be nice to her, even when she has annoyed me, because I have a relationship with her child. It's a form of emotional bondage really." And if you've been wondering how to refuse such an offer, it's worth taking a tip from Hugh Grant's character Will in the movie About A Boy. When asked to be godparent to his friend's daughter, he immediately listed all the reasons why he wouldn't be a good choice, including the possibility that he might seduce her when she grows up. Enough to make most people think again.
HOW TO CHOOSE A PERFECT GODPARENT
Do choose someone you're likely to remain friendly with. The world is crawling with people who don't know who their godparents are.
Do think how the potential godparent might benefit your child in the future. If someone you know is associated with a well known crystal manufacturer that could sponsor your child's horse at the Olympics, for example, take a tip from The Godfather and make an offer they can't refuse.
Don't choose someone just because you want to show how much you like them. Ask yourself a few questions first. Do they hate being around children? Are they the type to decide on a whim to go and live in Cambodia? Are they the world's worst when it comes to remembering birthdays? If any of the answers is yes, think again.
Don't feel you have to choose a couple. Godparents are not obliged to rear a child in the event of a parent's death, so they can live on opposite sides of the world if you wish.
HOW TO BE A PERFECT GODPARENT
Do discuss expectations before agreeing to be a godparent. You might have no intention of being a spiritual mentor, but the parents might take the God in godparent seriously.
Do keep parents' wishes in mind when buying presents. A voucher for a belly-button piercing may offend.
Don't offer advice to your godchild that you know directly contravenes the parents' wishes. Telling your Leaving Certificate-year godchild to "forget college, go to the university of life" is just looking for trouble.
Don't ask the parents "so what age are they again?" while stuffing your face with cake at the godchild's birthday party.
WAY TO GO: THE MARRIED GODPARENTS
Husband and wife Jane Downes and Clive Meaney from Dublin are godparents to Clive's nephew Sean, who lives in England. "I thought about it very seriously at the time," says Jane. "It was a massive compliment actually because I wasn't married to Clive back then, so it was an indication that his family thought I would be around for a while".
"I don't really see my role as spiritual - my godson is Protestant; I was brought up as a Catholic - but I do think I am there to instill moral ethics and develop the child as he becomes an adult," she says.
She wants him to know that she and Clive are his godparents, to encourage that special bond, so they will always mention "from your godparents" on birthday cards.
The fact that Sean lives in England is difficult in that it means they don't see him as often as they would like. Clive has another godchild, Carla, the daughter of his brother, who lives in Dublin. Did he think seriously about it before agreeing to step up to the font? "I'm not sure that anybody thinks too seriously about it these days," he says. "It is perceived as an honour to be asked. When somebody asks, you don't say leave that with me for a week. They might be insulted."
He doesn't believe there is a spiritual dimension to his role, but says he will do his best, as his godchildren get older, to look out for them and treat them in a special way. "But I think that's enough godchildren for now. I don't want to spread myself too thin," he says.
WAY TO GO: THE SERIAL GODPARENTS
Between them, Dubliners John Keogh And Sharon Fagan have six godchildren. The godchild they have in common is Katie, who is the daughter of John's sister Lisa. He has three other godchildren, including his girlfriend's nine-year-old daughter Rebecca - the couple got together when she was pregnant. John takes the godparent role "very seriously" and doesn't understand godparents who let the relationship slide.
"I like the feeling of responsibility and care for a child. I see them as much as I can and I never forget birthdays. I have all the important dates written down," he says. The spiritual side of the role is not something he views as important. "I am not a very religious person myself, but I know being a godparent is a special thing and I do think there is a bond there," he says.
He knows lots of people who have become godparents but don't take it seriously. "My view is that if you are going to do it, you should take it all the way and not just stop being a godparent when you leave the church," he says.
Sharon says she would be there for her godchildren if anything happened to their parents. "I would stand in and help out, and if it meant taking on the child myself, I would do it," she says. She doesn't recommend having a friend as a godparent, because the relationship can change, and geography can get in the way. "My son's godmother, an old friend, has hardly any contact at all with him because she lives far from us," she says. "For some godparents, is can be a really materialistic thing, but I like to see it as something more than that."
WAY TO GO: THE 'FAIRY GODFATHERS'
Mark Kirkland from Glasgow and Kim Hamilton from Cookstown, Co Tyrone live together in Amsterdam, and between them they have five god-children, the youngest being one-year-old Emma Burgess, who is the daughter of two of their friends who live in Dublin. Hamilton was initiated into what he calls "fairy godfatherdom" when he was just 18, the day he told his heavily pregnant mother he was gay. "It sent her into premature labour, and two months later I found myself at a font holding my baby brother while promising to keep his faith, which is not easy when you have none of your own," he says.
He describes himself as a "fairy in his forties" and thinks he must be doing something right because he now has three godchildren. "Through my role as godparent, I have helped nurse a child through chicken pox, commiserated with acne, gone very red and spoke of homosexual love, shared parental concerns about bowel movements, and of course the birthday parties are always a hoot," he says.
His role, he believes, is to listen and advise, but not to judge. "At the end of the day, as a gay man without my own children, these three are my babies, now and forever," he says.
For his part, Kirkland says he feels "blessed that a friend and a sister have put their confidence in me to be godfather to their children". He views the church service and the commitments to the congregation, parents, the child and God as "serious and sacred" and enjoys being a kind of honorary uncle and getting pride of place at birthday parties.
"I relish the thought of being a kind of life coach as my godchildren grow, mentoring them and giving them a perspective that might be different from their parents, but based on our shared principles. Basically, to show them that Mum and Dad are not inherently evil and out to spoil all their fun," he laughs.