It's not all swings and roundabouts for parents when kids clash in the plaground, writes Edel Morgan
IF YOU GO to the playground often enough over the summer, you’re likely to see unseemly spats in the sandbox, clinginess and fierce competitiveness – and that’s just the parents. Some parents will sit back with a Zen-like inscrutability as their children conduct a reign of terror.
Those at the other extreme shadow their children around the playground, shielding them from even the mildest pushing and shoving, fighting their battles for them and constantly coaxing them down off potentially precarious apparatus saying “careful there” and “that’s too dangerous”.
In between these two extremes are the parents who aren’t sure of the best sort of presence to maintain in the playground. Too omnipresent and their child might feel smothered, too distant and there’s scope for accidents and tussles.
“The important thing is to allow the child enjoy the experience,” says clinical psychologist Michael Mullally. “In the process, they are learning how to interact, how to socialise and share equipment.” Mullally view is that parents should do as little as possible if all is going well – depending, of course, on the age of the child. “Don’t provide more structure than the child needs. If you are anxious about them, they will become anxious about themselves.”
On the other hand, not providing any structure at all can backfire. “They may feel it’s okay to bully and mistreat other children and may have difficulty socialising when they get older.”
The playground can bring out a primal instinct in even the most level-headed parents, who can suddenly find themselves trading insults with a child who has pushed their little one off the swing or tried to trample them on the rope walk. Unfortunately, there’s no code of conduct telling parents whether it’s appropriate to deal with the child yourself or take the matter up with their parents.
Mullally says if there’s a dispute between two children, the most important thing to keep in mind is that this is part of their learning about how to deal and negotiate with other people. How quickly you intervene depends on the age of the child, but if they are school age or above, you can observe how it is developing, “and assess if it looks like it’s going to reach a resolution”.
If there’s an age difference, then you might need to step in sooner.“If it’s a six-year-old imposing their will on a four-year-old, the four-year-old is likely to come out on the losing side.” Mullally says it’s important to listen to both sides, and if the other parents are of the same view, understand how the differences arose and see if you can help the children negotiate a solution.
If the other child’s parent isn’t around and you talk to the child, don’t lose your temper or be threatening. “If you move from the point of explaining to them how you see it to telling-off mode, you increase the likelihood of a dispute between the adults, which won’t be helpful.
“The goal is to state your position, not get an agreement or an apology. You can also tell your own child that you support them.” If talks break down and the other parent is “very much on one side” and not prepared to help broker a peace treaty, then Mullally says it’s probably best to take your child away and avoid a scene between the parents.
“A child basically has one project, and it’s ‘how does the world work?’. A parent can plug into that and help them learn as much as they can. If it’s not resolvable – and not all things are in life – then leave.”
The balance a parent should aim to strike in the playground is “somewhere between being there and supporting them, and giving them the message that they are perfectly capable of getting on with their own lives, sorting things out themselves and enjoying themselves.”
