Problem
I have been off the drink since February 2015 and I was determined to stay sober over Christmas. It was my first Christmas without alcohol I have faced since my teens, and I am now in my late 40s. I was determined to do it but just thinking of it was a nightmare.
I kept a low social profile all year to avoid temptations but at Christmas this was impossible and the yearly parties were full of people I hadn’t met during the year. As it was, I had many difficult moments explaining my no alcohol status and Christmas made all this much worse.
I managed reasonably well until my work party when my boss made a big deal about me having a drink, so of course I gave in. As usual I couldn’t stop and ended up telling her what I thought of her at 2am in the morning. I woke up the following day gutted with remorse and I tried to take back what I said.
She emailed that it would not be mentioned again but the atmosphere has changed and I know that my position at work is now threatened.
My reaction was not great, and I drowned my sorrows and I think there are more than a few people in my life that are disgusted with me. I feel that all the good effort I put in by staying off drink and doing well at work last year has come to nothing and I feel like giving up.
Answer
There is no doubt that the line between drinking and sobriety is not a straight one and most people experience it as a sort of “two steps forward, one step back” trajectory. The thing is not to see this as complete failure but to take consolation from the capacity and self-belief you possessed to stay off alcohol for such a long time.
Judging from your exchange with your boss, it seems that you really need to control your drinking and that it has had some serious effects on your life.
The first issue is motivation and the question that sources the motivation is whether there is a need to address alcohol in your life and by your letter I think the answer is yes. It is hard to keep up the motivation when we experience failure so the next step is to be very clear about what the aim of staying off drink is in your life.
Will your social, work and personal life be better without alcohol? If this is the case you have to be very clear about this aim and then follow it every day. This is the basis of self-discipline – remembering why you are doing something and perusing that plan because you want the outcome.
However, habit has a way of blocking the plan because it is usually easier to give in than to keep on the hard, more disciplined route. Creating new habits – of sobriety, of a different social life – is not only difficult but it takes a long time to establish as you now know.
In order to change something in our lives that is tough, we probably need a lot of support combined with built-in affirmation for why we are on this path. I wonder if you had enough support built in to your plan for not drinking.
Most conventional wisdom says that changing eating or drinking habits are more likely to succeed if a person is with a group of people or with a support system that backs them up. www.alcoholireland.ie offers facts, information and statistics and www.services.drugs.ie will help you find support services near you.
Keeping a low social profile is not sustainable over the long term as it will mean that you will feel deprived and of course that leads to giving in as you feel that life needs more than discipline.
Find other ways to socialise: sports clubs are often very supportive of people who do not drink, join film societies, hiking or rock climbing – anything that gives you a sense of achievement mixed with good company.
You say that you had difficult moments explaining your new alcohol status and this must be tackled. The simplest and most effective method of explaining your no-alcohol status is to say it clearly without extra explanation, eg “thanks, I don’t drink”.
If people are closer to you, then more honesty is required in that you should expect support from them and if it is not forthcoming, I’m afraid those people need to be socially avoided until you feel very confident and strong in your position.
Facing consequences is also ultimately confidence-building and in this case it means talking to your boss and telling them of your year of not drinking and putting forward your plan for the future. If they are unsympathetic, then perhaps a job move over the next while is appropriate. Nurture motivation, be clear about your aim, create strong habits, surround yourself with support and generate the life you want.
