Forward thinking
Planning for retirement or semiretirement is usually seen as a financial task, but parents also need to do some emotional forward thinking to plan for the sort of life they'd like to have when the children become fully independent. "If you're in your 50s and your children are in their late teens or early 20s you need to acknowledge that in a few years' time they will be gone, so explore what is out there and be a little bit selfish. People who are young in spirit keep a whole raft of interests going," says Tony Moore of Relationships Ireland.
What if you've drifted apart?
Couples often find that being alone together in the house after years of family life can test their relationship. "People of a certain age are coming to counselling because they are left in an empty house and the couple have lost touch with each other," says Moore. "For years the couple's focus has been on building a family, and they forget they are supposed to be a couple. Life gets in the way, they drift apart, affairs may happen, the children are gone and there's an empty shell of what used to be – and two strangers who don't get on very well, to put it mildly."
Women keep busy, men hide their feelings
Moore has observed that women tend to keep busy to fill the void and may create separate lives, with minimal contact with their husbands. But men can also experience an intense loneliness, although it may only be in counselling that they acknowledge the isolation and burst into tears. These couples have to find ways to reboot their relationship, either renewing their intimacy or, if they are married only in name and can't afford to part, then finding a way to live as friends.
Choose life
There are positives, though. With the children gone, the couple who have not drifted can pursue their own projects. "You need a little coaching to see the positives. The wrong way to think of it is to say, 'Because we are a certain age we have to be miserable, shrivelled, twisted and bitter.' You have a choice," says Moore.
Share your new interests
Marriages can improve, after some readjustment, when a couple are used to sharing their feelings. "It is a period in the relationship that can give both an opportunity to reassess the choices as a couple but equally as individuals," says Pat Grange of Relationships Ireland. "Both individuals need to take responsibility for their future choices. There are many opportunities for self-fulfilment available these days that don't necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Realistically, if you have two happy, fulfilled people to whatever degree then you have two individuals that are bringing that individual experience to each other, and this might be the first time since their getting married and having children that they have a chance to do this. So it can be a great time for new growth for both."
