Orna Mulcahy on people we all know
Slathered in a fishy-smelling mud and wrapped up tight in plastic, Sandra is wondering if she'll be out in time to get to Superquinn for the weekly shop. No, stop it, this is me time, she tells herself. But in terms of pampering, was the Body Contouring Dead Sea Mud Detox really the best option? It's not something she would ever try normally, but she got a voucher from a friend a while ago ... well, so long ago that it's in punts, not euro, but hopefully they won't notice that when she hands it over.
The lights are low and Orca The Whale is playing in the background, but how are you supposed to relax when your nose is itchy and your arms are trapped down below in the gloop? But if it means she can fit into her new white trouser suit tomorrow, well, she's prepared to suffer. Inches are supposed to just melt away, while toxins are drawn out into the mud and minerals seep back in, to leave her skin silky smooth. But God it's very hot and steamy, and there's a desperate smell wafting in the window from the Indian restaurant overhead.
What sort of woman does this regularly anyway? It's soooo booooring just lying here, and if she drifts off, she'll start drooling, or snoring. No, sleep is not an option because her mobile keeps beeping at her from under the table, which is probably the office wanting to annoy her about something. Honestly, can a girl not get 40 minutes' peace and pampering!
Certainly it was interesting to be rubbed over with sea salt (must try that at home with the Maldon), but she could have done without the bath afterwards, which was all warm and gloopy with weird "pulsating wands" massaging her from below. You can't help wondering if they really do clean the bath between clients ... and, in fact, is the room clean at all? The artistically draped muslin curtains are a bit on the grubby side, and looking left she can see clearly into a bin that seems to be full of used disposable knickers, like the ones she's got on now. And over there in the corner is the vat of everlasting wax. Do they ever get to the bottom of that wax or would you find Shergar in there? Though it might not be any harm to get her upper lip waxed while she's here, or would it leave a huge welt?
And where is the therapist who is supposed to be giving her a foot massage at the same time? That was definitely part of the voucher, but she has just wandered off, saying she'll "pop back" in a while, having slapped some cotton pads over her eyes to help to her relax. Off to read Heat magazine, no doubt, while she is stuck here, being roasted alive. Thank heaven she's not paying for this!