The Age Of de Valera (RTE 1, Tuesday) The Purple Rose of Tralee (N2/ Skysports Extra, Monday)
Thirty-six? guessed Bono. Definitely in his late 70s, thought Noel Pearson. Somewhere between 80 and 150, was the offering from Noel V. Ginnity. As simple formats go, this was of The Angelus standard. Pick a celebrity, living or dead, and ask a panel of celebrities to guess what age he or she is. (If dead, what age they would be now had they lived). A further twist, both to deny research opportunities to guests, and to add some drama to proceedings, is to lock them in a darkened cave without food (but with plenty of glasses of water - they are after all panellists!) until they've collectively agreed on an answer. Back in the studio, host Marty Whelan oversees proceedings and makes sure everyone plays by the rules. If they don't, an electric shock is sent via remote control to the chair on which the cheating panellist sits, inflicting immense pain (judging by the look on the face of Kathleen Watkins!) and causing potential permanent scarring to the buttocks, or in the case of male contestants, the groin area. The first programme in the series was arguably too long for a game show (seven hours), but had its moments, especially when Prof Ronan Fanning argued passionately and persuasively that Dev was still alive. In fact, he'd seen him in Slattery's in Rathmines only the previous day. Further programmes over the next few weeks: The Age of Twink, The Age of Gemma Hussey, and The Age of Niall of The Nine Hostages, could be well worth watching.
People have said The Rose of Tralee has never been the same without Gay Byrne, but then again, none of us have been the same without Gazebo. Since he retired from presenting the programme, The Rose show has gone through hard times. Four years ago, only 10 girls entered the competition, and some of them weren't even girls. Three years ago, the judges refused to select a winner, describing the contestants as fat, ugly, lacking in vivaciousness, foul-mouthed, exhibiting the intelligence of donkeys, and posing a potential health risk to any would-be suitors. Last year, The Moldovan Rose admitted that she was for all intents and purposes a whore, while the Azerbaijan Rose went on a shooting spree in Tralee, wounding several hens in the town for a fowl and farmyard animal version of the larger tournament. Most contestants admitted that they weren't even virgins, while it became the norm for escorts to be completely out of their heads on drugs and booze as they stumbled around town with their charges demolishing local monuments. Sponsorship failed to turn things around. The Ferguson's Silage Rose of Tralee didn't sound quite right, while the Real IRA declined to back the event, fearing that the association with a bunch of second-rate girls would damage their image. Meanwhile, the girls themselves were getting increasingly restless and old. Something had to be done, and it was. Producer Niall McWoods came up with a new format. Why not lose the girls entirely, and turn the show into a studio-based discussion programme featuring politicians, journalists, and uncharismatic members of the public? Questions and Answers was born. But soon, viewers began to call for a return to the original format. The Purple Rose of Tralee is the newest solution to the problem of showing girls on stage without them looking stupid. Critics may say that the only thing different is that the word Purple has been added to the title. That's not entirely true, says the show's presenter, Austin Crumlish. For the first time, men will be allowed to enter the competition, and instead of being presented with a tiara, the winner will be crowned with a crash helmet. That way, at least, she (or he!) will be protected from the rocks and stones being pelted by the angry audience. Unfortunately, my advance copy of the programme on video tape was damaged as I tried to hurriedly swap it for a pornographic film which I had been watching when I was surprised by my partner, the nationalist poet and strong anti-pornography campaigner Orla Ni Suibh. However I have been told by my fellow critics, that despite some flaws, the show was overall excellent. Well done everybody concerned.
Arthur Mathews is co-writer of Father Ted