PICTURE, if you will, the small boy standing on the edge, of the cold football field as the two class bullies make their team selection. An enduring memory of childhood is that excruciating wait as our ranks were gradually depleted in the sure knowledge that eventually I would be alone and one captain would conclude the proceedings with the familiar and humiliating words: "You might as well have him."
So my heart went out this week to Mary Banotti, the veteran leader of the Fine Gavel group in the European Parliament, who describes her last two weeks as the most "miserable" in her entire political career. Three days of bitter wrangles in her European People's Party bureau, for what? The pick of the 37th least favourite job in the Parliament for one of the Fine Gael group.
Every 2 1/2 years election week comes round for the second half of the parliamentary term. It's very much a European Parliament occasion, almost incomprehensible to outsiders with at stake largely only the internal prestige of individual MEPs in a ranking system that is of enormous importance to them but of which the public is blissfully unaware.
In its most bizarre manifestation the MEPs spent the best part of a day electing 14 candidates to 14 vice-presidencies of the parliament. They could not simply all be deemed elected because the order in which they were chosen would affect their standing among colleagues - the fourth VP looks down on the 12th...
The challenge is a hugely complex one. Several hundred posts in the Parliament and the groups themselves are up for grabs - from president of the Parliament to first vice-presidency of the delegation to Bulgaria or membership of a working group. The problem is to ensure that every party in the Parliament is represented in numbers and prestige posts that reflect its weight. And within every party every national group must get its, share.
To do this party managers use a proportional voting system devised by a Belgian mathematician, Victor D'Hondt, that is a first cousin of our own single transferable vote. The system is used in combination with ferocious horsetradiag both to allocate jobs between parties and within the larger parties to determine their own priorities between national groups.
Under D'Hondt the number of positions taken by each party is determined by the number of quotas they each have.
The allocation of posts then "proceeds by the largest group nominating its first choice - say "Chair of Foreign Affairs" - and then losing a quota. If the same party is still the largest at this stage, it then gets to pick another post, and so on until it has lost enough quotas to allow another party to overtake it. The system continues through successive eliminations until the lowliest committee vice-presidency has been, chosen.
So it was that Mary Banotti, leader of four members in a group of 182, was offered EPP choice number 37. Her expectations were not great. She had seen many times the ruthlessness with which her EPP colleagues had tenaciously defended each of their national parties' rights.
But there was, as the choices came down through the thirties, still the possibility of the third vice-presidency of the Regional Affairs committee, a job which John Cushnahan would have quite liked.
Unfortunately also tied on 37 were the French and Finns the latter easily bought off with chair of the Estonia delegation, but the French with their eye on Regional Affairs. Rank prevailed and Ms Banotti had to content herself with third VP Foreign Affairs for her man. Then the patient wait for choice number 81 and a delegation job for Alan Gillis.
"Not exactly a meritocracy then," says I. Her reply is unprintable. In her group nearly three days were needed to resolve a row over a promise by the Italians to a defector from Forza Italia that he could chair Culture, but which under D'Hondt they could no longer deliver. He will now chair Petitions, a committee in which he has to date shown no interest.
The Socialists temper D'Hondt with special provision for small delegations - Bernie Malone, their lone Irish Labour member, got a helping hand up the list because the British gave up two high preferences to the Irish and the Finns. Ms Malone is first VP Social Affairs - or will be when the election takes place at the committee. No one will stand against her, however, as to do so would unravel the hugely complex deal done by party managers with the aid of D'Hondt.
While the system strongly favours the larger parties, clever tactical use of it can allow smaller groups to target their strategic priorities by engaging in preference swaps with other delegations. So, for example, Pat Cox's Liberal group was able to boost its strength on Economic Affairs, where they now hold the balance of power between right and left.
