DÁIL SKETCH:THE ORAL Irish exam was on in the Dáil yesterday morning, but the boy Biffo sauntered in without a care in the world. He's so laid-back, he didn't even know it was taking place, writes Miriam Lord.
(If young Cowen weren't so bright, he'd have been expelled years ago for smoking in the toilets.) When he entered the Dáil chamber, Brian wasn't aware that he might be walking into a really big trap.
Across the floor, Inda Kinny rose to his feet, looking rather pleased with himself. Deputy Kenny, a teacher by profession, is a fluent Irish speaker.
The fact that Brian Cowen, on becoming taoiseach-designate, chose to speak at length about the first language, in the first language, was not lost on Enda.
So yesterday morning, the Fine Gael leader decided to call Biffo's bluff. Is he really a great man for speaking the Irish, or was he just reading out something prepared for him earlier? Only one way to find out.
Inda got to his feet and began asking questions on a wide range of issues. For over 10 minutes, he spoke as Gaeilge, punctuated only by the soft Kerry blas of the Ceann Comhairle, who wanted it known that he understood every word.
Biffo held his nerve. Remained inscrutable.
The same can't be said for some of the backbenchers sitting behind their leader-elect. Slack of jaw and wide of eye, they stared helplessly across at Enda, who was blathering away with aplomb.
Was this a FG ambush, and their man not even officially started in the top job yet? (There was an unusually large turnout from Fianna Fáil for the Order of Business, when normally only a handful of deputies bother showing their faces. Must have been something to do with keeping on the right side of the new boss, at least until he gives out the best positions.)
IndaKinny's troops, meanwhile, smirked across at their rivals. The younger ones have only known one Fianna Fáil leader, and Bertie Ahern's relationship with the Irish language was more of the "tá sé Mahogany Gaspipes" variety.
So the baby Blueshirts and their more senior colleagues leaned forward and awaited Biffo's reply.
Minister for Education Mary Hanafin snapped to attention, like an alert pointer beside a dead pigeon, in case translation services were needed.
Minister for Social Affairs Martin Cullen - not a dead pigeon - had looked so happy to be sitting beside the taoiseach-designate when proceedings began.
However, as the Irish flowed, he looked more and more miserable. To make matters worse, he was in the company of Ministers Hanafin and Dempsey (múinteoirí), Coughlan (fluent) and Lenihan (brainbox).
As it transpired, Cowen was well able to speak for himself. His backbenchers relaxed as their man gave as good as he got.
The Fine Gaelers were disappointed, although Enda, to be fair, would have been familiar with Brian's ability in the Irish department. He was just setting down a marker for the future.
Meanwhile, on the press gallery, the time for panic had long passed. Journalists looked under the mahogany ledge and discovered that the translation headphones were gone.
They are still available for TDs, but in the chamber, this was a "blink first and you're dead" situation, and nobody dared show a sign of weakness by putting on a pair. (Actually, Sinn Féin's Martin Ferris wears them all the time when he's in attendance, but it's nothing to do with the Irish language. It seems Martin stood too close to a lot of loud bangs in an earlier life, and he's a bit hard of hearing as a result.)
Áine Ní Chiaráin, political correspondent of Foinse, tried to take notes, while fielding the urgent whispers of her colleagues. "Whadiddysay? Whadiddysay?"
Labour's Joan Burton (only the cúpla focal) was standing in for Eamon Gilmore (flawless). She rose to the occasion, referring to comedian Des Bishop's TV show about learning the language and wondered about the provision of Irish courses for deputies. Then she asked permission to speak in English.
No such problems for Sinn Féin's Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin, who proved he can drone incessantly in two languages.
"Réamhrá fada," snorted Biffo, sailing through his orals.
Enda Kenny says he wants more Dáil business conducted through Irish. The taoiseach-designate proved yesterday he is up to the job. Eamon Gilmore is up to it too.
And even Caoimhghín will be able to join in by complaining long and loud that his party is not allowed speaking time during Leaders' Questions.
Given the shape of things to come, urgent media investigations began over the whereabouts of the missing earphones. It transpired they had been removed due to "human error" and will be replaced immediately.
Oh, buíochas le Dia!