Present Tense: There was a quite delightful celebrity spat this week. One of those rare moments when two stars from either end of the firmament crossed paths and tussled until one tore the other a new black hole. It began when singer Morrissey, speaking in Oxford, criticised the university's plan to build an animal testing lab.
"Make no mistake, for anyone working in the labs, we are going to get you," he said. A few days later he received a retort from the unlikely source of TV presenter Richard (of Richard and Judy) Madeley, who in his weekly newspaper column described the former Smiths frontman as a "puffed-up prat" exhibiting "vainglorious, strutting humbug".
In a final twist of the knife he wrote: "Morrissey is about as likely to 'get' a medical researcher as is Danny La Rue."
Morrissey hit back via an online fan site. Being called "an insufferable little prat", said Morrissey, made him laugh. He continued: "This comment may or may not be true, but I think it's a bit much coming from a man who actually married his own mother." This was a jibe at Richard's beloved Judy. The age gap between Richard and Judy wouldn't be commented on so much if it didn't seem to grow wider every year.
Anyway, reading his web site posting, it occurred to me that with such wanton cruelty and intemperate whininess, Morrissey would make an ideal blogger.
Certainly, he would make a better blogger than most of his fellow celebrities. It has become popular for celebrities to log their innermost thoughts online, but the problem remains that when you want depth, it's best not to look in the shallows.
It seems that celebrity blogs can be split into three categories: those written by people who keep careful diaries; those where you can practically hear the sound of a PR agent wheeling the celebrity to the computer; and those that reveal a fading star with far too much time on their hands.
Step forward hip-hop veteran and baggy pants stalwart MC Hammer, whose blog mixes pictures of his kids on holidays with treacly pronouncements. "My intention is to use the music to help the community and society," says Hammer, in a comment that even a Miss World contestant would baulk at. "To help heal and bring peace and prosperity to this generation in this time and dispensation."
All of which, ironically, might have been achieved earlier if he hadn't inflicted Can't Touch This on the previous generation.
Meanwhile, former MTV host and gross-out comedian Tom Green could be found on his blog at 5am on Tuesday telling the world: "Tonight I ate ribs. They came in a plastic container." You get the feeling Green didn't spend so much time online during the days when he was successful enough to employ people whose job was to microwave ribs for him.
Green also talks about the war in Iraq.
Almost every celebrity does. Some of the more earnest ones - such as musicians Moby and David Byrne - talk about nothing else. But surely, when you read a celebrity's diary you want to know what it's really like to be a celeb, to glance behind the VIP lifestyle, or to occasionally eavesdrop on the creative process. There can be few people who find themselves thinking: "I've absorbed the newspapers and television reports - what I really want to know is what Alec Baldwin, star of The Hunt for Red October, thinks of the war on terror." A lot, as it happens: "I want to apologise to all of the readers of this blog for referring to vice president Cheney as a terrorist . . ." went a recent Baldwin post.
Nevertheless, plenty of stars have avoided blogging, perhaps fearing a look into their supposedly incisive mind might puncture their reputation.
Consider the case of Radiohead's Thom Yorke, one of the leading intellectuals of modern music. You might expect his blog to be an eloquent discourse on the life of an anti-establishment icon. Instead, it is wearying burp of post-adolescent angst.
For example: "today, myself, I was struggling, feels like we been trapped for a long time. In la la land. very frustrating.
And under pressure now. its so slow."
In fact, it's not far removed from Britney Spears's blog, which is scattered with bad poetry and trite insights. Britney also quotes William Blake - no surprise given the obvious influence of the libertarian romantic poet on such hits as Oops I Did It Again and I'm A Slave 4 U.
Celebrity blogs work best if the celebrity is diligent, but not desperate; vain but self-aware; and plays utterly to type. Step forward (or beam down) William Shatner. Now here's a blog that reveals much about its star. It is only occasionally updated, entries are often brief announcements about a new commercial he's starring in while others are given over to invitations to post congratulations to "Bill" on his latest achievements. There are also more pictures of Shatner per square mile than anywhere outside his most assiduous stalker's bedroom. Plus, he has the chutzpah to post an annual "End of Year Statement". Presumably, the Pope reads it before releasing his own.
But it gives an occasionally revealing glimpse into the parallel universe of cult celebrity. "In December of 2005," we are told, "William Shatner teamed up with Julien's Auctions to auction off his recently passed kidney stone." It was sold for $25,000 (€19,648). Now, that's a look deep inside a celebrity.
