Children who lose a parent suffer less if it is their father, a conference on childhood and death was told yesterday. A study carried out in Harvard University in the US found that it was "worse" for a child to lose a mother.
Prof J. William Worden, co-director of the Harvard Child Bereavement Study, spoke to the third national conference on childhood and death in Ballinasloe about the effect of such a death on children.
"Losing a father may cause some economic hardship for the family but it does not affect children as much as a mother's loss. When that happens there is a loss of routine in the child's life because generally it is a mother who looks after mealtime, bedtime, and homework assignments.
"It is also generally the role of the mother to be the emotional caretaker of the family. There also tends to be less talking about the parent when it is the mother who has died," explained Prof Worden.
The community-based study of 125 children, aged six to 17 years, took place over a 10-year period. It found that while two thirds of children were doing "reasonably well" two years after a parental bereavement, one third were experiencing emotional and behavioural problems.
"For each child in the study who had lost a parent we also studied a child who had not. After two years we found that one third of those who had had a bereavement were suffering more anxiety and depression, shyness and social withdrawal.
"They also showed lower self-esteem and self-efficacy, in their ability to control their own environment."
He said that the effects of a parental loss may not be seen in the first year but later. "The general assumption is that if the child gets through the first year they are OK, but the study has found that this is no so."
Prof Worden, whose book Children in Grief: When a Parent Dies (Guilford) has just been published in the US, said that his advice to the remaining parent is to maintain "consistent discipline."
"The study shows quite strongly that children need consistency of discipline. Often the consensus is `Poor Mary, she lost her Dad,' but this is not what the child needs at this time," he said.
It is important to speak about the dead parent, even if it is difficult, he said. Children and the remaining parent should be encouraged to get involved with support groups or counselling to get over their loss.
"Irish people may not be keen to do this but it would really help them to go and get help. A surviving parent who may be suffering from depression might find this hard but it would be very helpful."
Ms Nuala Harmey, a social worker in Temple Street Children's Hospital in Dublin, who is working with the Irish Sudden Infant Death Association (ISIDA), said there are several organisations to help people in this situation - the children's hospitals, Barnardo's and the ISIDA. Parents should inquire locally about such services.