CONOR POPElooks at Christmas crackers

Londis Deluxe Christmas Crackers €5 for 12

We have an issue with Londis’s use of the word deluxe here – deluded, more like it. The first thing that annoyed us was that hat. Who ever heard of a plastic hat? It looks and feels more like something that would be worn in a butcher’s shop or operating theatre than around the Christmas dinner table. The fact it did not fit was another annoying feature. The lion rubber was an okay novelty but the plastic necklace was rubbish and fell apart the moment it was handled.

Sample joke:What goes Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards.

Verdict:Terrible

Marks Spencer Crackers €54 for six

How much? €54? Seriously? That’s nearly €10 each. And what do you get for this outrageous sum? Black and silver candles with white LED lights which flicker on demand, novelties including digital photo-frame key rings, metal domino sets and a fancy-looking screwdriver spirit level set. Do you want any of these things? Almost certainly not. You will also get a good quality hat, a pretty poor joke and the inevitable regret that will come from having spent more than €50 on Christmas crackers.

Sample joke: What goes up but never comes down? Your age.

Verdict:Ah here now

Tesco Finest Christmas Crackers €20 for six

These won our “Cracker Olympics”. They make the loudest pop and are tasteful (in so far as crackers can be). We liked their understated goldness, and the bows make them look more expensive than they are. The novelties include a nail clippers, a key-ring bottle opener and a rubbish pen, but what endeared us to these was the functional bottle stopper in the shape of a Christmas tree. In addition to jokes, the crackers have charades (we got Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat) and trivia questions.

Sample joke: Where do relay teams go for their training? Andover.

Verdict:A proper cracker

Euro Saver Crackers €1.50 for six

We thought the Londis crackers were the worst we had ever seen and then we tried these which are identical, right down to the terrible snaps the crackers make, the awful jokes and the plastic hats. These cost 40 per cent less than the Londis option which makes them arguably better value for money, although that does not mean we would recommend them. The hats are sweaty and environmentally unfriendly.  We pulled two crackers and got two “spinning tops” that were awful. They are also really hard to pull. And as for the jokes? Sigh. They are cheap though.

Sample joke: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snow flakes.

Verdict:Cheap, nasty.

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