Among the (possible) cultural highlights to look out for next year are the choreographed violence on O'Connell Street, the debauched Amy Winehouse Festival and Simon Cowell's new holy boy band, Run Amonk, writes Kevin Gildea.
January
Pork Sculpture Exhibition
Nationwide
Artists from all over the world will present hastily carved work from pork (see example below). Although this is a Government-sponsored initiative, a Government spokesperson has denied that it is a "desperate ploy to use pork": "No - the Minister for Agriculture and the Minister for Sport, Tourism, Hobbies, Daydreaming and Arts have wanted to work together on a project for many years and it just happened to 'be now'." The Government has also commissioned statues of the entire Cabinet made out of pigs. The statues will be air-packed in plastic and put on beef pedestals all around the capital. The spokesperson stressed that the statues will have no best-before date - unlike the current Cabinet.
Special extra event: in a monumental gaffe, Willie O'Dea will unveil a giant statue of a gun in the inner city centre.
February
Lord of the Ants
Botanic Gardens, Dublin
Micheal Flatley's fantastic new show is set in the world of insects. Flatley plays a hero bee who is not so much interested in making honey as in making money from dance shows. He is kicked out of the Hive but finds refuge in an Ant Hill. Through Flatley's sparkly ways the Ants realise their dreams of being in a chorus. Flatley's dance-fight against the Speed Centipede is the stuff of Fire!
March
Art???? Exhibition!!!!
The Word Gallery, Dublin
An exciting new exhibition arrives that combines question marks and exclamation marks! Says curator DaXington Smith: "42.6 per cent of all visual art is concerned with asking the question: 'Is it Art?' This exciting (?!) new exhibition reframes this question. Here are paintings rendered in a unique style and using unique materials developed by Mossad and the CIA. Viewing these picture is an intense experience because the act of viewing acts as a detonator, which eventually blows the painting and the viewer to smithereens. This creates an intense artistic experience which ultimately places the question 'Is it art?' in perspective by replacing it with the question 'How long have I got left to live?'" Previous audiences (RIP) have (reportedly) been very impressed. This should be a must-see for jaded art buffs of all hues.
April
Surprise Film
Dublin (possibly)
Most surprise films are shown at the beginning or end of a film festival but in this instance there is no film festival - just a surprise film! This film will be a one-off, all on its own phenomenon, and while time, date, venue and duration are unknown, there is a rumour that it might be shown on a bus. So watch out for that!
April again
The Amy Winehouse Festival
The Midlands
This edgy festival is inspired by Amy and offers a great line-up of musicians who will not actually manage to play any gigs because they are too messed-up. Instead they can be watched and enjoyed staggering around drunk, falling over, and generally missing the point.
Cameras are provided and taking photos of the prickly, inebriated warblers is encouraged. Says organiser Hoots Brannigan: "It's like bear-baiting crossed with Heat magazine. It's the quintessential 21st-century festival."
May
Conceptual Art Exhibition
The remains of the Word Gallery, Dublin
"Conceptual art comes of age in May. Here at last an exhibition that has done away with the traditional painting - the rudimentary form - the over-rated, so-called real thing!!!" So says the brochure, but what will actually be on view? Apparently, instead of paintings there will be typed explanations explaining what each artist is trying to do in the painting (that isn't there.)
Says conceptual art expert Dr Ester Bonsun: "In these typed texts there is a precision of intention, an ambition of intention, that could never be satisfactorily realised by so-called 'real things'. It's a great day for people with no talent: a victory for intention over actualisation."
The brochure butts in again: "And this is only the beginning - it will eventually go mainstream: soon all art be replaced by words."
Says Bonsun: "I look forward to the day when the simplest watercolour landscape of the sea will be replaced with a blank canvas supporting the words: "I wanted to paint a picture of the sea that looked nice and like the sea. I hope you enjoy it."
June
Christmas Arts Fair
Nationwide
In an effort to stimulate the economy, next year Christmas will begin in June. The new six-month Christmas will follow on directly from Halloween (May to June) which will be preceded by Easter (January to May).
So get ready to do your patriotic duty and buy! Buy! Buy! In an extra effort to generate more income at the Art Fair, the Government is currently pushing through new legislation, which will widen the definition of art to include shoes, bread and eggs and televisions. Soon we will all be art collectors.
July
Moving O'Connell Street
O'Connell Street, Dublin
In an exciting move, Dublin County Council has just appointed a choreographer in residence for O'Connell Street. His name is Arty Limbneacht and he's the one who says he hopes to "get O'Connell Street moving in an aesthetic way. The aim is to bring some beauty to O'Connell Street to counterbalance the God-awful architectural and signage mess."
He adds: "I think people need to rehearse the way they move: when I see somebody running for a bus with lots of shopping bags flapping around them like a South Sea island dress made out of weird growths. I can't look! It's too ugly! I have to look away! But when I look away I see Dublin and Ugg! I have to look back again; it's a no-win situation.
"I want to put the Giselleand the Nijinskyback into street life."
The first workshops will work on "running for a bus" and "how to move around somebody standing still in the doorway of a shop". Future workshops will include "how to tie your shoe lace without stopping (and incorporating twirls)" and "how to wait around by doing the splits". Workshops will take place on O'Connell Bridge and Parnell Square and will be compulsory for anybody who wants to "use" O'Connell Street. There will be gallery pavement areas on the street for people who just "want to watch" and these will be accessible via Abbey Street and other tributary streets.
Dublin County Council says this will just be the beginning - in November it will be bringing in a stuntman to make the weekend night violence more enjoyable and realistic.
"Late shows on Friday and the Saturday should be sold out so book early," says the council, "By the time we're finished O'Connell Street will be the place to be seen - getting your head kicked in."
August
Big Pop Concert
Phoenix Park, Dublin
Simon Cowell will unveil his latest boy band sensation: Run Amonk. Simon gives us a sneak preview: "Gregorian chant has never sounded so now. Four fresh-faced ancients are taking chant to the kids. With their spangly cowls and ancient yet modern moves these chant hunks will have the girls breaking every vow. I am always on the lookout for inspiration. One day I was just saying my name in front of the mirror at home and then I thought of a monk and then . . . this!"
This, their first ever gig, will happen in the Phoenix Park in a specially built inflatable rubberised-plastic crypt with a capacity of more-than-ever-before. Cowell says the crypt idea came to him when he saw a picture of a concert in a crypt: "Crypt says 'old', but the acoustics aren't right for the sound we are looking for - that's where rubberised plastic comes in - it captures our sound perfectly."
So don't miss Run Amonk at Vespers in the Park; they will play their first hit single for the first time. It's called In Nomine Booty and they will be debuting songs from their soon-to-be hit album Veni! Chow!
Support comes from girl band VeryNunnery.
September
The Bacon Experience
Bacon Studio, Dublin
From the people who brought you Dublin's Viking Experience comes the Francis Bacon Studio Experience. A professional actor plays Francis Bacon - a bravura performance of a gnarled, big-faced man walking about asking people, "what the hell are you doing in my studio? I can't get any work done! Give that back - that's my champagne." Other actors play other characters from his life: his cleaner, who is brilliantly played by Twink, sits in a corner all day going "look at this mess" and singing "Lordy, Lordy, Sir Joe Dolan - it's messy".
Yet another terrific thespian plays the professional messer that Bacon employed to keep the studio in the state it was in.
(Note: if you are a fan of John Banville then watch out in 2010 for BanVille! BanVille is currently under construction - an entire town built for the sole purpose of giving you the ultimate John Banville Experience.)
November
Soap Opera Opera
National Concert Hall, Dublin
At last, highbrow toffs will be able to enjoy lowbrow trash. Do you ever feel you're missing out on work conversations about what the latest soap storyline is because you don't have a television in your ivory tower? Well now you can join that chat because the Royal Opera Buffs Society of Ireland (the ROBS of I) have teamed up with the Soap Opera Buffs Society of Ireland (the SOBS of I) to perform live operatic versions of Fair City. Every Sunday a compendium of the week's action will be performed by top-notch note nailers in the National Concert Hall. They will even perform a programme of advertisements.
Note:Coca Cola, chocolate bars and detergents will be available in the foyer.
Note 2:Soap-opera operas will be performed in underpants.
December
Peace Ballet for Ireland
Temple Bar, Dublin
Would you like to stand on your toes and combat social ills? Then maybe you should check this out. After watching an episode of Prime Time, Ballet Ireland decided that enough was enough: they had to do something about the violence that was engulfing our society. A year later and this is the result: Peace Ballet. If you wish to get involved, get down to Temple bar on a Saturday night (next year!) where you will be issued with a pink ballet outfit and a Peace Wand, a Peace Dove or a Giant Inflatable Get Out Of Jail Card. The plan will be to pirouette about gangs of troublemakers in a effort to make them see the error of their ways.
Applicants must have health insurance.
The Billie Barry Beckett Boys
Red Cow Inn, Dublin
It will be a busy December with yet another thing: The BBB boys will present seasonal Beckett. This year it's Waiting for Godot: "He's behind you! Oh no he isn't! Oh ye . . . No, you're right. He isn't."