Dail sketch:Bring a little light into a poor Dub's life.
This is Bertie. He is 56 and lives alone in a small village called Drumcondra. He works all day making speeches and opening pubs, earning a paltry €310,000 a year before expenses and perks.
Every month, the bad men from Revenue come and make him pay tax on his wages.
Bertie gets home very late every night and throws a few chops under the grill, for he has no catering staff.
On his many exhausting trips to watering holes around the country, Bertie is forced to accept the services of a State car and driver. He cannot use the Government jet to go to the seaside, nor does he get to enjoy free holidays aboard his friends' yachts. These friends have never, ever, given Bertie as much as a glass of water. Bertie lives in a state of constant fear, for he does not know the day nor the hour when he might be expected to put his hand in his pocket and buy a cup of tea.
Bertie only has the use of one house. He has no weekend residence or holiday home.
Can you help?
Just one euro a week will buy this man a cup of tea.
Just over €8 will provide one hour's minimum wage for a lady to come in and cook Bertie's dinner.
Just over €30 will get him a boat trip on Dublin Bay.
Just a thousand euro will sponsor enough air miles for Bertie to hold his head high among his prime ministerial peers.
Can you help?
Sometimes, Bertie's heart is so heavy he finds it difficult to express himself coherently. He rages against the injustice he faces in his world. Sometimes, it clouds his judgment.
There wasn't a dry eye in Leinster House yesterday when the plight of poor Bertie from the little village of Drumcondra was exposed by, er, Bertie.
Red-faced Opposition deputies, clearly in distress, wiped away the tears as he spoke. It wasn't laughter. Oh no.
Above in the visitors' gallery, where a group of pensioners were watching Dáil proceedings, the expressions on their faces told the story. Some looked shocked. Others looked around at their friends, wondering if what they were hearing was true. Some laughed - sure, if you didn't laugh, you'd cry.
Could this really be happening in 21st-century Ireland to our Celtic Tiger Taoiseach?
It was heartbreaking, as poor Bertie laid the grim reality on the line. Compared to the likes of Nicolas Sarkozy, Gordon Brown, Angela Merkel and George Bush, he is "poverty-stricken". On paper, he may earn loads more than they do, but nobody ever asks about the perks.
Bertie, apparently, gets none, and that's where the real gains are made.
The other leaders have lots of "arrangements" and stuff, and "tax arrangements as well", while they don't "operate the same system of transparency" as operates in Ireland.
It's real banana republic politics over in France, Britain, Germany and America.
They can call on government jets "for any of their social occasions" and "prolonged holidays on yachts and homes and elsewhere (sic) they're allowed to do that".
They have use of a permanent residence, a weekend residence and a holiday residence. Some of them "wouldn't pay for a cup of tea from one end of the year to the other because they have their catering staff in their homes".
One of the pensioners in the gallery began rooting in her purse. Couldn't blame her.
As for that huge pay rise poor Bertie got recently, he would "gladly forgo" it if he "believed it would matter a whit".
It's just not fair, and the situation is eating away at the Taoiseach. Last week, he complained how some hospital consultants earn more money than he does. Yesterday, the perks of his counterparts around the world upset him.
Then to cap it all, during exchanges about hygiene standards in our hospitals, Bertie said cleaning contractors engaged to provide the service should abide by higher standards.
"Quite frankly, they're being paid enough."
The man is becoming obsessed.
So please, please, sponsor a Taoiseach this Christmas. Any bit of a digout or whip-round might help alleviate his money worries.
We're thinking of going down Grafton Street to do some carol singing.
