Losing someone to suicide is an experience no words can describe, writes Tony Humphreys.

Copingwith the death of a child, parent, partner, close friend is a painful and difficult process; living with the suicide of a dear one is an experience no words can describe.

New research has shown that an estimated 15 per cent of male and female adolescents in the State contemplate suicide at some point in their young lives. This is in keeping with the knowledge that between 10 to 15 per cent of adolescents experience considerable turmoil and depression, that goes unrecognised by adults.

In 2000, there were 413 suicides, 47 by people under the age of 19. While this figure represents a decrease on both the 1999 figure of 439 and the 1998 figure of 504, we cannot be complacent about the high number of suicides. Furthermore, statistics not only hide the tormented spirits of those who have taken their lives, but also the extreme grief, turmoil and confusion that is experienced by those family members who are left behind to deal with the tragedy and the loss.

It has become clear that individuals who take their own lives have had long-lasting self-esteem difficulties and emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, conflictual relationships, alcohol and drug-related problems, unemployment, feelings of loneliness and guilt, alienation from relatives and so on.

Overwhelming grief, torment, guilt, loss of faith, despair, rage are but some of the reactions that parents, partners, brothers or sisters may undergo. The "what if" the "why", the "what did I do wrong" bombard their minds. And the poignant need "to just see him once more and talk to him again" rages within, as well as the dire cry to have answers to so many unanswered questions.

I do not believe it is possible for anyone, professional, religious or lay, to feel or say what a parent feels when her son has taken his precious life. I would have some sense of the abandonment, darknesss, guilt, despair, rage, loss, grief and torment that that parent is undergoing, but the depth and breadth of these feelings I can only imagine.

It does not help the way some people respond to the bereaved parent and even though such responses are well meant, they add to the parent's turmoil. The source of unsupportive responses may be a struggle to empathise with what the bereaved parent is feeling or a difficulty in coping with overwhelming distress or a subconscious fear of touching into unresolved sadness within themselves. The defensive responses can take the form of dilution of the bereaved parent's feelings or utterance of pious, meaningless platitudes or awkwardness or avoidance of the subject and the deceased person's name.

A friend of mine, whose son committed suicide several months ago, wrote the following poem to try to express what she has been feeling and what she needs from others. She has given me permission to print the poem. It captures powerfully and articulately the aftermath of the suicide of a loved one.

Please Please don't tell me you know how I feel - if all your children are alive.

Please don't tell me that time will help - for me, time is now.

Please don't tell me that I'll get over it in time.

I'll never get over it - only learn to live with it.

Please don't give me pious platitudes such as "it's God's will, he's an angel in heaven." I wanted my son here on earth.

Please don't avoid mentioning his name.

I need to talk about him.

Please don't tell me what I should or must do.

Only I know what I can do.

Please don't get uncomfortable with my tears.

I have little or no control over them.

Please don't be insulted when I don't converse.

I just don't have the energy for it.

Please don't tell me I'm looking much better today.

It's not the visible me that's in pain.

Please bear with me. I know you mean well.

But my grief is mine. I cannot share it.

Deirdre McInerney

What more can I say, except to reiterate her need for people to accept her where she is, and not to try to take her from that place.

What is interesting about those people bereaved by suicide is a perceived lack of social support following the death. My guess this is due to people not knowing what to say to the suicide-bereaved compared to those bereaved by death through sickness, accidents or old age. Deirdre's poem gives good pointers as to how to respond.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist