Irritating behaviour: Some parents find certain behaviours of children very annoying and make the mistake of trying all sorts of tactics to eliminate these behaviours. Typical examples are thumb-sucking, nail-biting, rapid eye-blink, facial tic and fetish behaviour (a child not willing to go anywhere or go to sleep without holding a particular object - teddy bear, piece of cloth).
Using "bad" words can also become as issue that parents want to solve. Behaviours that can be viewed as troublesome by parents are often termed "bad habits", but such a label masks their true meaning.
Children who present with such behaviours need help and understanding. The difficult behaviour is a symptom, a sign. Nothing can be gained by attempting to control the symptoms. Parents need to discover the underlying causes and then direct their attention to them. Observation of, and casual and friendly conversation with the child are means of arriving at understanding.
A parent may observe that the child thumb-sucks when tired or insecure or frightened. If the parent tries to stop the thumb-sucking using bribery, threats or putting a nauseous substance on the child's hands, the behaviour will only be increased. One of the reasons that the behaviour continues is that increasing the frequency and intensity of the symptom is an attempt by the child to get the parent to look at the deeper issues. If the parent comforts the child when tired, builds up the child's sense of self and investigates and then empowers the child around individuals or situations that are a source of threat, it is far more likely that the symptomatic behaviour will decrease and eventually disappear.
A child who nail-bites may be "biting back" his anger, resentment, frustration about being over-controlled or continually criticised. Here, again, the distressing behaviour is a sign of the child feeling emotionally blocked - it is not a problem in itself. Again, it is futile to punish, humiliate or prescribe preventative remedies. Parents cannot force the child to stop, they can only seek to remedy the cause.
When a parent attempts to force a child to desist from these "nasty" mannerisms, the parent needs to ask herself: "What is in me that is preventing me from being understanding and patient with these behaviours?"
It may well be that the parent is embarrassed around these symptoms, but then this is a symptom that the parent needs to reflect on and discover its cause. A possible source of the feeling of embarrassment may be worrying about what other people think or an over-intensity around cleanliness and hygiene. It could also be a need "to have everything looking perfect", including the child. As for the child, the parent needs to recognise that the symptom of embarrassment is not the problem, but remedying its cause needs to be the target.
Parents need to be patient in their mature responding to a child's "bad" habit. Many parents become discouraged if, after a few weeks of attempting to remedy the cause, the symptomatic behaviour continues. An index of the patience and time required is to ask how frequently the behaviour occurs, how intense it is and how long has it endured?
Be optimistic and realise the creativity and intelligence of the child in creating the difficult symptom in order for you to see and remedy the deeper issues that are a source of threat to his or her security.
Children need to know that we believe in their ability to overcome their fears and insecurities. In any case, a parent who becomes pessimistic and discouraged may need to look at her own level of belief in self. Remember, a parent can only give to a child what she has got herself. Very often, the distressing symptoms that are presented are an opportunity for all members of the family to reflect and liberate themselves from their fears and insecurities.
• Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self-Esteem, the Key To Your Child's Future
