A is for Ambition: There will always be someone more ambitious in your year, particularly in business, law or anything remotely useful for a future career. If you can't think of anyone more ambitious than yourself, then you will have no friends.
Bis for Books: Thick, colourful things containing lots of pieces of paper in the middle covered with small print or, if you're unlucky, algebra, Ancient Greek or Old English. Like new clothes, books are generally only taken out at Christmas and at the start of the summer.
Cis for Club USI: Serves cheap beer, thereby ensuring that nobody can claim that there isn't one good thing to say about the Union of Students in Ireland.
Dis for Drugs: There is not a drug epidemic sweeping third level, but the use of cannabis and, among younger students, ecstasy, is prevalent. Some years ago, UCD students' union advised students experimenting with ecstasy to use only half a tab to start. The message was either ill-advised or misunderstood, depending on one's point of view, but its thrust was correct: if you must experiment, then be careful.
Eis for Equality: Under women's autonomy, only women are allowed to vote for women's rights officers in third-level colleges. This policy has caused friction in the past. Current USI president Colman Byrne presided over the elimination entirely of the women's rights officer position in the Dublin Insitute of Technology, but he's a big fan of women's rights really.
Fis for Failure: Like smoking behind the bike shed, failing exams is generally frowned upon but lots of people still do it.
Gis for Grant: The current maximum grant is £1,624, or about £45 per week. If you're lucky, it will pay your rent, allow you to eat and enable you to buy a bottle of meths to drink at the end of the week. If you're unlucky, you may have to forsake the meths. And the food.
His for the Higher Education Authority: The HEA holds the purse strings for the universities and can usefully be blamed when universities claim that there is not enough money to build that new library, equip the gym or save little Timmy's leg. The HEA will deny any culpability and will rustle up enough cash to buy little Timmy a tin leg. USI is hoping to get a seat on the HEA this year. Expect a bunfight over which officer gets the seat.
I is for Insufficient: see G is for Grant above.
Jis for J1: The J1 is the student work and travel visa issued by the US government each year, allowing third-level students to earn lots of money, see a little of the US and develop a taste for Pete's Wicked Ale. There are never enough J1 visas to meet demand, so they tend to assume the same significance as the gold tickets in Willy Wonka's chocolate bars.
Kis for Kapitation: Well, some poetic license is allowed - capitation forms part of the fee of £250 or more charged by colleges and is used to fund the students' union, student clubs and student societies. Or not fund them, since some colleges appear to regard it as little more than a slush fund and give as little of it as possible to student activities. The HEA is looking into it so expect a resolution, um, any time now.
L is for Lie: See X for Xams below.
Mis for Martin: Micheal Martin is the new Minister who has promised better grants, grants for more students and initiatives for the disadvantaged. Martin is from Cork, by the way, so he could be simply having us on, for a laugh, like. See also O below.
Nis for No Dole: Under the current system, third-level students are not entitled to claim the dole during the summer. Instead they can apply for the Student Summer Job Scheme, where they can earn a small amount of money while contributing to the greater good of society. In more civilised societies, this is known as "workfare" or, in Stalinist Russia, "salt-mining".
O is for Optimist: see M above.
P is for Pregnant: see S is for Sex and T is for Tutor below.
Qis for Queues: Students queue for meals, for the bar and for library seats, since the ratio of students to library seats can be anything from 5:1 to 15:1. See also W is for Weight-loss below.
R is for Repeat: See F is for Failure above.
Sis for Sex: Like winning the Lottery, this can sometimes seem like something that only happens to others. In fact, third-level students are generally sexually active, although there are concerns that the safe-sex message is not getting through, based on the demand in some colleges for the morning-after pill. See also P is for Pregnant, above.
Tis for Tutor: Lecturer usually assigned to help students with academic or personal problems. First person many students approach if their essay/ grant/ period is late. See also S is for Sex and P is for Pregnant above.
Uis for USI: The Union of Students in Ireland, which represents students in all of the RTCs, the DIT, the WIT and in UCG and UCD. In the past, students in UCC, TCD, UL and Maynooth have tended to send USI on its way with a flea in its ear, because of disagreements over its policies, claims that it is too Dublin-based and because, well, they just don't like it. Serves cheap beer and is led by Colman Byrne, whose name appears so often in the letters pages of newspapers that he may be suffering from some form of compulsive writing disorder.
Vis for Vegetarian: Some students are vegetarians because they are concerned at the treatment of animals and barbaric slaughtering practices. Some just can't afford meat due to the level of their grants.
Wis for Weight-Loss: Due to chronic overcrowding in most colleges, students who weigh 10 per cent more than the average body weight for their build will be required to participate in an extensive weight loss programme, monitored by Jackie Healy-Rea, TD.
Xis for Xams: Poetic licence again. In some colleges operating the semesterised system, including DCU and UCG, exams are held at Christmas and at the start of summer. This halves the pressure on students and still leaves them plenty of time to enjoy themselves and become fully-rounded individuals. Allegedly.
Yis for Youth: Wasted on the young, apparently. This is your opportunity to prove the statement incorrect, or correct as the case may be.
Z is Zzzzz: Typically heard at lectures, conferrings, in libraries or, in the absence of any of those, in bed.
