MOST POPULAR television soaps deal with real-life issues; they bring into the open family problems that used to remain hidden.

Teenage pregnancy, abortion, incest, extra-marital relationships, wife battering, surrogate motherhood and homosexuality have all been dealt with in popular programmes.

The media exposes children to information about dysfunctional relationships that were formerly concealed and denied. Very few parents take the opportunity to talk to young people about these issues. When parents comment and share their views, they can challenge attitudes to relationships and sexuality that do not fit in with their own values.

Some children as young as 12 read teenage magazines that are supposedly marketed for older teenagers. They could educate their parents about the variety of positions one can use during intercourse. No matter how careful a parent is to restrict children's viewing, it is almost impossible to protect them from seeing advertisements or programmes that expose them to sexually explicit material.

The same television programmes are beamed into homes all over the English-speaking world. British and Irish children are as familiar with Australian and American soaps as their counterparts on those continents. Many are devoid of the traditional family values that used to be widely accepted.

Young people who hear discussion of sexual scandals on radio and television find these events disturbing. They know they have something to do with sex, which is seen as horrible and terrible.

If no one explains why adults are so scandalised, children are left thinking that something about sex is dirty and unpleasant. This leaves them feeling both uncomfortable and confused. It encourages a negative attitude to sexuality.

If your son hears a discussion on deviant sex, do not assume that what he heard has gone over his head. Find out by making a comment on the programme and then listen sensitively. Try to pick up anxious questions - even if they are not phrased as questions.

Younger children cannot talk about what bothers them the way older children and adults can. Sometimes even teenagers do not have the language or vocabulary to express their fears clearly. Listen for what is behind indirect questions.

For example, "Why is Marie so late?" could be a simple clarification question. It could also be a question about safety and wanting reassurance if there have been media reports of a child abduction.

A good way to help a worried child is to focus on the worry for a moment and see if you can identify what the child is feeling before offering reassurance.

A pause after saying something like: "You are worried that Marie is late. It sounds like you are feeling anxious?" encourages the child to tell you more.

A CHILD WHO feels listened to will be more open to share a worry, such as "I'm afraid the bad man will get her".

The underlying fear is "I am also afraid that a bad man may get me, too". Parents miss a lot of great opportunities to educate children about relationships and sexuality when they fail to pick up what is behind children's indirect questions.

If a child hears or sees something explicit on the media and the parent reacts by changing the programmes, some children pick up the wrong messages. They think: "My parents are not comfortable with this because it has to do with sex".

Saying something like "I feel uncomfortable watching that couple. It is rude to behave like that in public because people get embarrassed" helps them understand your unease.

Older children might be ready for a more detailed explanation: "I find this scene upsetting. When a couple are promiscuous it not only hurts the two people involved, but it also hurts our whole society" - or some explanation in that vein.

Experts differ about whether the sex scenes children see on the television affect them or not. It used to be thought that they went over their heads. There are some studies to show that this is not so.

When parents are prepared to discuss what children hear on the radio or see on the television, it gives them an opportunity to reassure children and pass on their values.

Parents who say nothing, on the assumption that a child did not understand what was happening, could be making the right decision. On the other hand, if the child took it all in, she or he may be picking up attitudes to sexuality that are undesirable and not what the parent would want.

There is a very fine line between protecting a child's innocence and keeping her ignorant.

Carmel Wynne is a teacher of relationships and sexuality education.