The secret to happiness for stepfamilies is realising that families need agreed rituals and traditions, says Jeannette Lofas, founder and president of the Stepfamily Foundation in New York City and the author of The Family Rules for Stepfamilies (Kensington), Living in Step (McGraw-Hill) and Stepparenting: Everything You Need to Know to Make it Work (Kensington).
When separated or divorced parents find new partners and/or remarry, inevitably some traditions in the original family go by the wayside. "The greatest enemy of a child is lack of predictability," Lofas says. "And in a step-situation, you often have chaos because a couple may not be together about the rules, responsibilities and roles. Rituals are positive for a child." Talk to children about the rituals they hold dear - it could be a game their original family used to play, or the fact that they always had Chinese take-aways on Friday nights. Keep some old rituals and create new ones unique to the new family. Sometimes it's better, for example, to pick a different holiday destination rather than returning to old haunts. The newly married step-parents too need to find their own rituals - such as a glass of wine at 9 p.m. after the children have gone to bed.
