Parenting: When grandparents get involved with the new generation, the rewards can be enormous for all concerned, writes Louise Holden
Unlike most OECD countries, Irish researchers have not given much attention to the role that grandparents play in Irish life. However, with the boomer generation coming of age and the Irish demographic leaning towards older adults, expect the role of the grandparent to move centre stage.
The number of grandparenting websites has exploded - including several dedicated "grandboomer" sites - in acknowledgement of the growing numbers of grandparents who are tech literate, hungry for learning and dedicated to their grandparenting role. Grandparenting programmes are now available in Britain and US - the Scottish health services have led the way in this regard by laying on ante-natal classes for grandparents in some maternity hospitals.
A number of key developments have changed the role of the grandparent radically in the last 20 years. Research indicates that grandparents are playing an increasingly pivotal role because of family break-ups, working parents and single parenthood. A shift from horizontal to vertical in the shape of families means that the size of generations is becoming smaller but the number of living generations is increasing.
Where geography allows, many grandparents are now providing full or part time child care to allow adult children, especially mothers, to fulfil their life goals. Despite this, the role of the grandparent is no longer clearly defined.
Age Action Ireland recently commissioned a study - 'Grandparenthood in Modern Ireland' - and many interviewees mentioned the change they felt had taken place in intergenerational dynamics here. Where their grandparents had taken quite an authoritative position in relation to their grandchildren's upbringing (remember the nit-picking mother-in-law?), today's grandparents are far more respectful of their children's approach to parenting and less likely to offer advice or criticism.
The parenting role is perceived to have been radically altered by new risks to children at ever younger stages. Many grandparents feel unprepared to tackle these issues and so defer to their children.
Other radical shifts in parenting theory may also have left grandparents unsure. The renewed focus on breastfeeding, for example, goes against the experience of many Irish grandparents. Physical discipline is now taboo. Children are put sleeping on their backs - a total reversal of the old wisdom.
Tess Kane of Ballina, Co Mayo, stepped into the breach when her daughter-in-law had a baby while at college, and volunteered to mind the child full time. She considers it a privilege, she says, although she might have found it more difficult if she had been taken for granted. She doesn't attempt to discipline her grandchildren, she says. She feels that the children themselves have more awareness of potential dangers than she has.
As part of their study, Age Action discovered an interesting and prevalent perception among modern Irish grandparents; a shift in the balance of power in the family from the grandparents, to the parents to the children themselves. Grandparents reported that when working parents arrive home in the evening they are too tired to interact with their children, feel guilty and compensate by acquiescing to their demands. Grandparents, who may have a little more time on their hands, may be better able to provide the kind of quality interaction that children need.
Grandparents, who have been through it all before, are nonetheless faced with a whole new set of anxieties in relation to their grandchildren. The Age Action study revealed that one of the biggest worries faced by the Irish grandparents interviewed was the fear that their grandchildren's parents would split up, leaving them without family stability. While this is not an uncommon outcome in Ireland today, the presence of concerned grandparents can help to retain some stability in the midst of the breakdown.
Differing outlooks on religion have also changed the experience of parenting over one generation. The effort to reconcile the religious adherence of the grandparents with the outlook of their "lapsed" offspring can come to a head when the next generation arrives. Even if the child is baptised, he may not be brought to regular services or taught to pray at home. In his grandparents' house, on the other hand, religion may be central. If this matter can be handled with mutual respect and understanding, it may just be the best preparation a child can have. Our children will never experience the kind of religious and cultural homogeneity that we did. They need an example of how people with different values can get along.
There's no doubt that today's parents need their own parents more than ever. Our growing generation of grandparents is providing immeasurable levels of stability and support. It's a fact that we should bear in mind when we sound the alarms about ageing demographics, as if older people in Irish society were simply a resource drain.
On the contrary, the growing generation of grandparents can continue to strengthen the fabric of families and communities and to help younger generations to realise their goals.
