ANYONE who has ever been touched, even remotely, by marital separation will have some inkling of the pain and anguish involved. But there are times, as many experts will tell you, when awful though it is, separation is unavoidable, necessary and indeed beneficial.
Undoubtedly, children can suffer emotionally when their parents split up (as do many other family members), but many people argue that adolescents are old enough to understand the problems faced by their parents and therefore will find coming to terms with these changes in their lives less difficult.
However, according to clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Caoimhe Ni Dhomhnaill, teenagers carry an extra burden, since they experience the same problems as those faced by younger children in a separation - including blaming themselves, concerns about custody and access and whether parents who stop loving each other can stop loving their children - together with problems which are caused directly by their adolescence. This can put their relationships with their parents under stress.
Nonetheless, children are extremely resilient, and the more secure their early attachments to their parents are, the better able they will be to cope with separation, Ni Dhomhnaill says.
"The task of adolescence is individuation and separation from the family - establishing your own identity and finding the confidence to form relationships with the opposite sex," she says. Adolescents find it harder to separate successfully from an unhappy home. "If you come from a solid secure base it's easier to engage with your peers, go to discos and experiment. . . It's more difficult to do the normal teenage things if a parent is at home, lonely and in need."
For teenagers, she says, issues are either black or white and they can find it difficult to take balanced views. So, if dad leaves home, for instance, he must be bad, or conversely mum must be bad because her nagging drove him to it.
"Adolescents are more polarised, are more likely to take sides than younger children and are more extreme in their views about their parents." It's quite common for a child who has lived with a mother for a number of years and has resolutely refused to see her father, to decide suddenly in her mid teens that she wants to live with her father and have nothing more to do with her mother, Ni Dhomhnaill says.
What then do you do in such difficult circumstances?
"If they flip one way then they will flip the other way," she says. Hard though it is, parents should sit tight and keep the lines of communication open, saying "I'm here for you when you want me."
After separation, mothers and teenage daughters, in particular, can come into conflict caused by the emerging sexuality of the one and the lack of sexual relations on the part of the other. "Parents may start dating at the same time that their teenagers are beginning to date and there can be clashes which cause a lot of pain, particularly for the mother. And out of the pain come the battles. The mother may complain that her daughter's skirt is too short or that she is wearing too much make up, while the daughter may deliver a hurtful put down just as mother is leaving on a date."
Meanwhile, sons sometimes step comfortably into the role of husband and their mothers become increasingly dependent upon them.
Parenting an adolescent is a difficult task at the best of times, but lone parenting - especially when it may be for the first time - is extremely so, Ni Dhomhnaill observes.
The best way to approach the problems brought on by separation is to normalise them, she says. "Parents should discuss these problems openly with their children and let them know that what they are feeling is normal and acceptable."
The custodial parent should strive to avoid close, intense relationships with the children and encourage them to spend time with friends and relatives and pursue outside activities. Similarly, parents should show their children that they too are independent beings with lives of their own and are coping well with the situation. Ni Dhomhnaill also advises that teenagers he encouraged to foster connections with their siblings. "They can help each other and are a great resource," she says.
One of the traits of adolescence is breaking the limits, and teenagers will frequently do this in relation to access. "They start to object to going on a particular day or hour and this can turn into a battle," she says. However, such scenes can be avoided by re negotiating the access times and bringing the teenager in on the decision making. "The adolescent is part of the decision and should be consulted."
