THE HIGHER a young person's self esteem, the greater likelihood that her responses to her sexuality will be appropriate. Young people who have a good sense of their own self worth have the confidence to refuse unwelcome sexual advances. When a child is brought up by parents who respect her, she will show the same respect to others.

There is no magic formula for discussing appropriate "date" behaviour with young people. In fact, I can almost guarantee failure for any parent planning a face to face chat. Such confrontations seldom work - they are terribly intimidating for any young person.

A far better way to talk is when you are side by side, perhaps when you are out walking. Some experienced parents recommend the time when you are washing dishes together. And one woman told me that a great time to talk is in the car - when you have a captive in no position to run away.

Around puberty and into the early stages of adolescence, children seldom co operate in a heart to heart discussion with parents. While, other people's children freely talk to me about everything, when my own daughters were going through the early stages of puberty they censored what I was allowed to hear. When they were finished that stage we had some great discussions, sharing reminiscences.

In one of these sessions, I took great pleasure in complimenting one of them several years after she impressed me with a very quick thinking recovery: one evening the family were sitting down to dinner, and the two older girls were having one of those giggly conversations that are so common with adolescents; we heard the word "masturbation".

"What did I hear you say?" my spouse enquired. Quick as a flash came the reply: "We are talking about mastication."

Most adolescents simply refuse to discuss sexual issues with adults. This is often because youngsters project their own discomfort on to their parents: they think they are protecting their parents from being embarrassed. What they are really doing is protecting themselves.

From about 10 years old, girls and boys are curious about sex. The hormonal activity that begins before puberty makes them naturally curious about what sex is like.

But they have the good sense to know their parents would be appalled by the crude and vulgar information they get from magazines and their peers. So they protect them. They hide their salacious interest in matters - sexual from adults who would find it shocking. They wait until they are in the company of their peers to huddle in little groups and discuss things like "the night when two become one".

Girls often bring teenage magazines to school to share their views on the problem pages.

A parent can do very little to protect young people. Many are unaware of the influence of pop groups and "video education".

Listen carefully to the lyrics of popular songs. Be aware of what impressionable young people hear and recall how vulnerable many are.

Before I started teaching a relationship and sexuality education programme in schools, I had no suspicion that all the old myths about sex that I had been told when I was growing up were still doing the rounds. Believe it or not, many young people still think that a girl cannot get pregnant if she has sex standing up. They think that it is safe to have sex during a period. They believe it is impossible to become pregnant the first time one has sex. The hoariest of all old chestnuts is still on the go: he will withdraw before ejaculation and she cannot become pregnant.

Isn't it frightening that young couples have sex believing those tall tales? What makes sexual ignorance even more frightening is that children are reaching puberty sooner. The earlier a girl matures, the earlier her first sexual experience is likely to be. The first contact for most young couples today is French kissing, often while they are still in primary school.

I suspect that many parents protect themselves from an unacceptable truth. They think some teenagers may be sexually active, but certainly "not mine". The truth is, all young people experiment sexually - sooner rather than later.

Too many parents refrain from discussing kissing or appropriate sexual behaviour out of the best of motives. They are afraid of putting ideas into a child's head. They fear it will encourage a precocious interest in intimacy.

However, the evidence is there to show that pre teen children are already interested. For example, the erotically charged performance of the Spice Girls is imitated by little girls who are learning that the way to be attractive to boys is to be sexy.

There is little parents can do about the early sexualisation of children. There is a lot they can do to ensure that they are not left sexually ignorant.