WHEN OUR children are very young it is hard to imagine them being older, independents and not needing us for everything. However, time moves on very quickly - soon enough she'll be doing those little tasks you have always done for her.

Yes, parenting is a strange job - just as you are getting the hang of it, you become redundant. You start by working overtime for the very young, then part time for the teenage years. After that, all they really need is a consultant to be called upon only when necessary.

At first, you listen closely to what each cry means. Next you are busy trying to keep your patience when every answer is "No" - and before you know it is the first day at school.

All of these stages are necessary and part of growing up. Throughout these times, children need to learn how to take care of themselves, to really feel self sufficient, to be praised regularly and authentically for their achievements and for their personal uniqueness. Eventually your child will grow up, leave home and become an independent adult, but in the meantime she needs guidance more than instruction.

Sometimes it is easier to do a thing for her - it can take longer to teach, show, wait, hold back and let her painstakingly gradually learn to do it. Yet a parent must have patience and foresight, knowing it is much better for her to learn how to do it - it is not good for her if you just take over.

The road to independence can be an exciting journey for both of you. They need to be taught in a playful way and see learning and life as fun.

When teaching children to do something, do not talk down to them. Eliminate from your vocabulary words that indicate you view them as apprentice people. If they wet the bed or spill the milk, these are not mistakes or things for which to be scolded or looked down upon - this is age typical behaviour.

Don't make them feel bad about an accident. If they tease and act silly, get dirty, push each other around harmlessly, this is not a reflection of a serious social problem - these are stages, just stepping stones to adult behaviour.

The less criticism they receive for being children, the more they will naturally enjoy themselves and see themselves as worthy, self sufficient, significant people.

When you teach a child something, be aware that from the earliest moments of her existence she has thoughts that are shaped by your input. So teach them in a way that is positive, not negative. Do you let them approach a task believing that they can do it? They will become what they think about! Do they feel they will fail before beginning?

How many times have you heard "I can't do that", "I am terrible at . . ." Encourage your children to do things they have never done before and give lots of praise for trying their best. Remind them frequently that failure is normal, practice makes better and failure to do it once is not equivalent to failure as a person. When they shout "watch me, Mummy and Daddy", what they are saying is "praise me, aren't I great?" Then they will internalise that praise and feel they are courageous, worthy and independent.

Being self sufficient reinforces a child's self esteem and makes for a confident and happy person.

There is no magic moment when your child becomes independent - it is a gradual process. It is up to the parent to gauge when the time is right to learn new skills. Let the child lead you. Allow her to make choices and decisions regarding small things at first.

. Talk her through things so she can anticipate the consequences of her actions.

. Praise her attempts - don't take over.

. Be positive - this will develop a positive personality.

. Self reliance comes in stages. Before she can so things for herself, she may do it incompletely or incorrectly a few times.

. Tasks such as brushing teeth can take a long time to master. By all means show her how and check them over, while saying, "well done you are getting really good at this".

WHEN SHE is a baby talk to your child all the time about what you are doing and why. She will gain understanding. Develop routines she feels secure with. She will learn from watching - talk her through a task.

From about 12 months - or for eager beavers, from earlier - they will want to do things for themselves. Remember, every few minutes spent helping her wash herself with a flannel or feeding herself with a spoon will be teaching her independence.

Start with tasks you know she will be able to complete to give her confidence and encourage her to master them fully. At first she will need a little extra help with fiddly little tasks like putting a top back on.

Once they get over the toddler stage, don't forget that what may be a boring task for you may bring untold pleasure to a three year old. She can brush her own hair, dry her own hands, put on her coat, shoes. When toilet training or going through other stages, teach the proper way from the beginning and go through the sequence of events with her at first - for example, wiping her bottom from front to back, pulling up her pants, then trousers, pulling the handle, washing then drying hands, turning off the light, closing the door.

She'll be thrilled when she can do it all by herself. Let her practise and develop her own way of doing it rather that trying to do it your way. Try to organise your day and home to provide as many natural opportunities for practice as possible.

As she gains confidence she will need more skills to conquer. Is she ready to pour her own milk? Can she help peg the washing on the line? By the time your child starts school, she will be expected to be able to do quite a lot for herself.

Before she starts, try to anticipate the things she will be expected to do - and practise at home so she gets used to the idea and gains confidence in her abilities.

To help with self dressing:

. Buy clothes that do not represent too much of a challenge, e.g. elastic waist pants, tops with wide neck openings, not too many buttons. Velcro fastenings are easy to use, and tops with a picture on the front help them too.

. Teach them to button from the bottom up.

. Teach her how to put a coat on by laying the jacket on the floor, collar end to her feet, putting her hands into the sleeves and then flipping the jacket over her head.

. To get the right shoes on the right feet, put a mark on the inside edge of each.

There are practical ways of assisting them in other tasks, too. Provide child friendly accessories at meal times like a non slip mat, plastic bowl, child size knife fork and spoon and, initially, a non spill beaker. While toilet training, a plastic step may help her to reach - and a child's toilet seat may prevent her falling in.

Let your child go at her own pace, not too fast. It is much better to go slowly but sure, so your child will stay confident at every stage. Try not to be over protective.

Avoid the temptation of comparing her with others. Concentrate on the skills she can do and praise her successes.

Okay, you are in a hurry and your two year old is insisting on putting her shoes on herself. Avoid a battle, don't grab her and shove them on - she does not understand time. In future, try to be more organised and have time enough for her to put them on herself.

Encourage your children's efforts to expand themselves and try new things, and be sure to take a few seconds to watch and tell them how fantastic they are in your eyes. It is great for the self image. Independence breeds self esteem, while dependence encourages lower self regard. When you genuinely like yourself, you are never threatened by anyone who is different from you.

Finally treat your children as if they are already what they are capable of becoming self confidence is learned from doing.