Many children will have faced into their first day in primary school yesterday. It is important that the children's first day is a happy experience, so a sound foundation is set for their long years in school.

Of course, such a foundation can easily be rocked by subsequent unpleasant experiences in school and at home. The following story typifies some of the kinds of things that have been related to me.

On the first school day last year, a young mother rang me in what sounded a considerable state of agitation and frustration. Her story was that her son had happily started school that day, and as they lived near the school she had collected him for his short lunch break. She noticed he was quiet in himself and was not inclined to eat his lunch. However, she did not become concerned until it came to the time for him to return to school and she could not find him. She searched the house up and down and continually called out his name - but he did not respond.

Eventually, she found he had locked himself into a wardrobe and refused to emerge from it and return to school. On the phone she exclaimed: "Will I pull him out of the wardrobe and drag him back to school?"

I said: "No, he's safe in the wardrobe, so leave him there." I knew that something threatening had happened to the child between his going and coming home from school, but I had not the faintest clue what this might have been. There were many possibilities - bullying, teasing, a teacher who was cross, critical or non-attentive, homesickness, difficulty in coping with a new situation.

However, I also knew if his mother made the world more emotionally unsafe by dragging him back to school then I might never discover what upset him in the first place; there was also a major risk that he might be turned completely off school. What a blow that would have been to his emotional, social and educational development.

I advised his mother to reassure him that he did not have to return to school and that anytime he wanted to he could come and join her downstairs. I further suggested that when he came to her she inquire gently (not interrogate) about all the things he had experienced during the morning.

We don't talk to children enough. We tend to direct and command, but not really inquire into their world. What had happened was that the teacher, who undoubtedly had been under considerable stress, had waved a long bat over the heads of these little children when they were all seated and warned them that "if any little boys or girls do not do what they are told, this is what they will get".

How clever of the child to take to the non-threatening environment of a wardrobe!

It is important that we do not in any way judge the teacher for her ill-advised behaviour. Next to parenting, teaching is the most difficult profession. To manage more than 30 five-year-olds is not an easy task and, in frustration, teachers can resort to authoritarian approaches to classroom management.

This does not mean that their behaviour should not be challenged, but this needs to be done in an understanding and compassionate way. I believe neither parents or teachers ever deliberately neglect children, but they can do so unwittingly due to their own vulnerabilities and the stressful demands made on them.

I advised the young mother to approach the teacher, tell her the story and invite her help to make coming to school emotionally safe for her son again. The teacher was very responsive and went out of her way to welcome back the child and create a happy and positive climate in the classroom. Within days, the boy was saying how much he loved his teacher and going to school.

There are many lessons to be learned from this child's experience, the most important being that children will love school when they are loved in school and when they come home from school. Furthermore, in these early school days, it is essential that parents and teachers watch for emotional and behavioural signs of unhappiness. Most childhood problems are due to a lack of loving in some setting or relationship or other. The cure is to restore love.

By no means all of children's dread of school is related to how teachers teach. The primary source of many children's stress is fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of letting parents down, fear of being compared to an older or younger sibling, fear of not being good enough. All these fears are often present before children ever begin school.

Learning starts long before children ever get to school and their experiences to date will determine whether they have retained a natural curiosity and love of learning or a dread of failure and mistakes. The latter arises when children's mistakes and failures are responded to with harshness and criticism.

It is vital we guide children's behaviour, but this needs to be done in a loving, gentle, encouraging and positive way. Loving must always precede learning; when it does, children thrive educationally. It is also important we show great interest in children's learning at school and make homework a fun and loving experience.

This interest and fascination in children's educational development needs the involvement of both parents. It also helps when uncles, aunts, neighbours and friends encourage children's learning in a way that emphasises love of learning and effort, but not performance.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist.