The Afterthought

THE MAIN DIFFERENCE Sean sees between Finn, his youngest child, and his four older brothers, is Finn's attitude. "He thinks he's an equal. If you say something like `What about your homework?' he'll look patient and say, `Didn't I explain to you about that?' He's more combative, more assertive than his brothers, and his vocabulary and tastes in things like movies and TV are adult."

Patricia, a mother of four girls whose youngest child is six years younger than the next up, found the age gap really became a problem when that second youngest started secondary school. All of a sudden, the "baby" began to feel left out, as teenager interests dominated the house - and she began to make more demands on her parents.

Sean and Patricia laugh ruefully at older children's intolerance of what they see as lax parenting: "Are you actually going to let him/her say that/do that?", they'll gasp, forgetting that 10 years earlier they were that monster.

A child born after a long gap presents a particular challenge in a family: although he or she will often be doted on by big brothers and sisters initially, the novelty may have worn off by the time the "baby" is a demanding, active five or six year old.

Paradoxically, the youngest may well cling to the baby status when it suits, while all the time trying to ape older brothers and sisters.

Sean and Margaret certainly didn't anticipate the difficulties in rearing Finn, a much wanted baby born when their then youngest was 10. "He had five fathers, Sean and four vibrant, full of life boys who adored him; he had a really full babyhood," explains Margaret. Then her older sons grew up and away. And becoming effectively an only child has proved harden Finn, now a bright loving, attention seeking, exhausting 11 year old.

With his brothers away and Sean working long hours, Margaret and Finn "spent long lonely summers together when he was six, seven, eight." When his next eldest brother went away to Europe to work last summer, Finn was devastated; when that brother came back home, Finn annoyed him with excessive demands for attention.

Sean and Margaret, early fiftysomethings, now feel that the problem may be as much theirs as his. "We have the experience, but we're tired. We don't want to go on Sunday outings, don't have the patience for ordinary annoying childish behaviour," Margaret says. They have begun to question whether being more relaxed, allowing more leeway - as parents invariably do with their youngest - has turned out to be a good policy after all.

Child psychiatrist Dr Michael Fitzgerald points out that the late arrival, the "little accident", is very common in Ireland, and says he has rarely encountered it as a major issue for parents - "I'm surprised at how well parents come to terms with late parenthood."

But he acknowledges that it's a challenge, whether planned or not. "A couple might want the child - some parents find it a loss, thinking they'll never have another baby - but don't really want to parent another child for 17 years." Late parenthood is one thing if you've waited until your mid 30s to start a family; it's quite another if you started a family in your early 20s and face pushing swings and chauffeuring children to discos through your 40s, 50s, even 60s.

The risk is less rejection of the last child than spoiling and over protecting the baby of the brood. According to Fitzgerald, "Some parents want to keep parenthood going, keep the child infantilised; then they'll never have to face the empty nest."

It's a pattern parents can slide into ever so easily, making less demands on their "baby", partly because they don't need to, partly because they might see the child as less capable. But he warns strongly against it.

"Gross over protection and over indulgence can be as damaging to a child as rejection, can damage their self esteem and sense of identity. Ask yourself: `Am I making demands appropriate to his/her age?'"

If you're baffled about what's "appropriate", you don't need books on developmental psychology, he says. "Ask, what is demanded of children this age in my neighbourhood? The principle is that most parents are sensible, and the generally accepted norms (in your culture, at this point in time) are the sensible ones to follow."

As for loneliness, this can be a very real problem, but one you must anticipate, he says. "Get your child involved in classes, in football, in clubs, make plans for the point when the child will experience this and help him or her find substitute peer groups in your neighbourhood."

And you never know, if you have a little "afterthought", you might find work, in your retirement, counselling other parents: the incidence of late parenthood and the one child family is growing so rapidly it's almost a trend. By retirement age, you'll be an expert on the topic.