I was recently invited to attend a lecture by an American named Alfie Kohn. He was billed as a renowned author and lecturer whose most notable literary accomplishment is a book called Punished by Rewards: the trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and other bribes.
Kohn presented a damning version of behavioural methodology and urged us to move away from the carrot-and-stick mentality which has plagued educators and parents alike. He urged a more holistic approach and that we commit ourselves intrinsically to good values.
When I suggested to him that the £3,000 fee for his lecture sounded more like a juicy carrot to me than an intrinsic gesture to the educators of Ireland, he became somewhat defensive. He had to make a living like everyone else, he said. I wonder what he expects our children to do when they grow up?
Whether Kohn likes it or not, rewards are part of all our lives. Parents can use rewards in an effective way to enhance the quality of family life.
Sometimes parents think of rewards as bribes. It is important to make a distinction here: bribes pay people to do something wrong; rewards are a recognition for doing something right. When you use rewards with your children, you must do so at the correct time. That means privileges need to be earned following good behaviour. One problem with our Celtic Tiger economy is that children have too much. It is virtually impossible for children to distinguish between a reward and activities or items which they assume are their God-given rights. If you are going to use rewards in an effective way, there must be some moderation in what your child is given access to.
A concern for many parents is that if they place too much emphasis on rewards, the child will expect a reward every time he or she does something right. In practice, this does not happen. Children engage in hundreds of activities every day for which they receive no reward - dressing, eating, playing with friends, helping with the baby.
However, if a parent wants to encourage a particular behaviour from the child, it is perfectly acceptable to use rewards to do so. For example, allowing the child out to play after he has changed out of his school clothes is a practical use of such a reward. In general, parents should aim to teach that co-operative behaviour will be recognised.
It is important to point out that the most effective rewards are not material. Indeed, the most effective reward does not cost a penny, is easy to provide and your child never gets tired of it. You have probably guessed it by now: praise is the best reward available to all parents. And children are not the only ones who enjoy that commodity.
The example I often cite is my own little treat: purchasing a bottle of duty-free aftershave whenever I travel. There is a veritable symphony of aromas waiting to escape from the bottles on my dresser at this stage. However, if I receive a compliment on my aftershave on a given day (which does not happen that often!), there are no prizes for guessing which one I will choose the following morning. (For those bemused readers observing my beard above, I am currently sporting a trimmed beard which requires some shaving!)
Or have you ever wondered why you favour a particular item of clothing? It is probably the one that has been admired in the past. Praise is a very powerful way of producing a particular pattern of behaviour.
Children love to receive praise. If a parent praises children's behaviour, not only do they feel good about themselves, but they are also more likely to repeat the good behaviour.
The essence of effective use of rewards is that they must be given immediately, they must be relevant to the task accomplished and the child must like the reward. Praise fits all three of these criteria. It is also extremely economical. And yet none of us use this valuable commodity nearly enough.
When was the last time your spouse gave you a compliment that made you feel good about yourself? When was the last time you did it to your spouse?
In Ireland, we are not good at giving each other praise. The classic Irish family scenario usually involves either the creation or resolution of a row, however trivial. In the absence of the regular use of praise, we seem to feel more connected in conflict than having to actually pay each other a compliment.
When dealing with children, as with adults, make a conscious effort to use more praise. Be specific and enthusiastic with your praise and use it liberally. A hug, a kiss, a pat on the back or sitting the child on your knee are all forms of effective rewards that can be used by parents. It is important to remember that parents should be selective when they use rewards: if you put the child on your knee while the child is having a tantrum, this increases the likelihood that the child will continue with the tantrum and repeat this behaviour later. When using praise or hugs and kisses, parents should aim to catch the child being good. Rather than the usual "leave well enough alone" when a child is playing quietly, this is the very time when you need to go over to the child and tell him how pleased you are that he is doing so well.
Activities with your child are another very effective reward. There is no more rewarding activity for a child than a walk in the park with Mammy or Daddy. Playing a game of the child's choosing is also a very rewarding activity for all involved - any time you spend with your child is probably the most rewarding of all. There are also the more obvious material rewards - sweets, videos, toys etc. I believe parents resort to these too often. They are an inevitable part of family life, but they should be regulated and given only as a consequence for a required piece of behaviour. Older children are more likely to be interested in money, computers or whatever is in vogue, and the same rules apply. There has to be an understanding that you must work first before you enjoy the privileges being sought.
Surely this is a worthwhile value that children should take with them through to adulthood?
Dr Mark Harrold is a clinical psychologist.
