The most effective practices in parenting are also the most simple. Simple, that is, to read about. It is never easy to put them into practice - that is why it is so important to keep trying. One of the biggest challenges facing parents today is managing the barrage of "goodies" that have been the outcome of our enhanced consumerism. Many parents have spoken with concern about the number of unopened presents their children had long after the Christmas holidays were over. Children have come to expect a certain standard of clothing, toys, activities. Much has been written about how "it was never like that in our day"; the focus here, instead, is on how you distribute the plethora of excess which surrounds us. The message is that you do not have to love and provide for your child any more or less, but you must be more selective about when you choose to show that affection and provide those material goods.
A rule of thumb is that the child must always complete a less preferred activity before a more preferred item or activity is provided. Work first, then play. In practice this means, for example, that the television can only go on after the homework is completed. How may times have you been held to ransom for sweets at a shopping mall as you are just starting out? It is most important to establish the rule that treats are provided only at the completion of a given task.
This rule can also be applied to some of the thornier situations in which parents find themselves. There is usually very little time in the morning to negotiate with your child: school and job pressures mean that parents will often do anything for a peaceful life and a timely departure! However, parents must establish the routine on the basis of rewards being provided following co-operation: if children are dressed on time, they can have a special snack in their lunch boxes; if breakfast is eaten on time, the TV can be switched on until everyone is ready to go. Another example would be pestering when you are on the telephone. Most parents report this as among the most irritating of their children's behaviours. It will pay dividends to let the child know that treats will only be earned if there are no interruptions while you are on the phone; you should consider rewarding only those children who did not interfere with the call. (You might also reserve a particularly favoured toy for the times when you are on the telephone.)
The examples above may seem obvious, but how many times have you found yourself saying to the child "you have to promise me to . . ." as you hand over a treat or allow a privileged activity to proceed? It is all too easy to forget that the TV, computer, bicycle, roller blades, money and trips to the disco are privileges that should be earned. Some parents do not feel comfortable with this formulation: it appears too mechanical, even mercenary. If you feel this way, then do not proceed with this approach. However, I would argue that it mirrors what children will experience in their adult years. How many of us receive our wages before we carry out our work? It simply does not happen. This principle of earning your rights and privileges by working for them spans a lifetime. Children who learn this lesson early will be well served. The same principle applies to when and how you give attention to the child. The general approach should be that you will attend to good behaviour while ignoring undesirable behaviour.
This simple rule can run into difficulties at times. Parents often ask what they should do if one child behaves well at the mall and another one does not. If the reward is a trip to McDonald's or the pictures, should you go? If you bring both, then the rule will be meaningless; If you do not go at all, you are punishing the well-behaved child for the poor behaviour of the other. The answer lies in planning ahead. It is most important to set up a contingency that can accommodate every possible outcome. In the examples given, you could go to the takeaway section of the restaurant and make sure only those who behaved well receive what is on offer. If you are going to a movie, arrange it so that the shopping and the badly behaved child are left at home. If you cannot accommodate every possible outcome, do not offer the treat as a reward. The first time you apply this rule, you will probably experience a major tantrum by the child who misses out. However, if you stick with the rules, it is unlikely that you will have to be so stringent the next time you set up such a contingency. The keys to successfully applying the rules is in setting yourself up for success by forward planning and following through every time.
Parents may be reluctant to appear too strict - what with the rights of children are being quoted at you on an almost daily basis. Whatever rules you establish, no matter how simple, they must be applied consistently; this means your partner must be equally committed to the rules. If you are not in a position to stick to the rules, do not set them. Your authority as a parent will be significantly undermined if the rules you set are flouted or ignored; the child learns that anything the parent says means nothing. This can be most frustrating for well-meaning parents who are trying to do their best.
As with most aspects of life, extremes are unhealthy. Parents who view themselves as liberal and relate to their children almost as peers will run into significant problems. If the boundary between parent and child is confused, children will have great difficulty coping with authority outside of the family environment. Children will become extremely frustrated unless they learn to accept the reality of give and take.
On the other hand, parents who have too many rules and are excessively rigid in the application of rules will also end up with unhappy children. Children whose enthusiasm is thwarted at every turn or who are not allowed to express themselves in an open and confident way will not realise their true potential. They may end up rejecting or resenting the family unit. There is a middle ground for which all parents should strive. That is, set out reasonable ground rules which can be agreed with your children, be consistent in your application of these rules and review them periodically.
