Architects of social systems (the family, school, classroom, community, church, workplace) have a responsibility to make time for self.

Parents, teachers, managers, clergy, community leaders and politicians have a sacred duty to be there for themselves, to respect, love, honour and take responsibility for their own unique being.

In practical terms, this means being affirming of themselves, taking good care of their physical selves, listening to their own voices, identifying their needs, being in touch with their feelings, valuing all of emotions and, when necessary, talking them out in full openness.

Care for self also involves rest, rest, rest - time for reflection and acting out spontaneously from your real self and not being controlled by others. It is essential that these architects live their own lives, so that they are in the free position to encourage their charges to be true to their lives.

Loving self is a difficult challenge, as we are only beginning to emerge from social systems that darkened human presence. Anonymity is still common for many adult members of family, school, church, political and work cultures.

In the words of Nelson Mandela, it is still largely the case that "our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that we fear most."

The more people who take up the challenge of embracing and expressing their sacred and unique worth, the easier it will become for leaders to take to "the road less travelled".

The road most travelled continues to be the one of fear, dependence, addictions to work, caring, success, competitiveness, dominance, control, jealousy, possessiveness, depression, ostracisation, intellectual and social snobbery and hypersensitivity to criticism.

There are many adults who have a deep fear of taking any time for self. These people are addicted to caring, and it is more difficult to take a caring behaviour away from a person who compulsively cares than it is to take a drink away from an alcoholic.

Regrettably, people who overcare for others make others helpless and need these others to remain dependent on them. Any attempt to become independent of the parent, partner or other who overprotects you may result in the threatening reactions of sulking, withdrawal, guilt-inducing responses of "after all I've done for you", rejection and hostility.

The temptation to return to the status quo "for peace sake" serves neither the giver nor the receiver of care. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that another will not feel threatened by you. When the receiver of over-protection maintains a bid for freedom, there is a strong possibility that the person who lives her or his life through caring will hear the permission to care and begin to give time to self. The other eventual benefit is that a mature adult-adult relationship will emerge, so that caring is mutual, responsibility lies with self and each person can be authentic.

There are other leaders who dominate others to consistently make time for them and will ridicule any attempt to be separate from them. This is not dissimilar to over-protection, except that the condition for acceptance is "you must always be there for me" rather than "I must always be there for you". The hidden messages behind these conditional ways of relating are, respectively, "I am nothing, so you must live your life for me" and "I am nothing, so I will live my life for you". The absence of any sense of self is blatantly and sadly apparent. The dominating social architect is as anonymous to self as the over-protective one. Each of them has a sacred responsibility to journey inwards and discover individuality, wonder and identity. Only by taking on this process will such people be able to disengage from their enmeshed relationships with others. Furthermore, it is in the achieving of their possession of self and separateness from others that they are in a position to mirror the worth and separateness of those for whom they have leadership responsibilities.

While the majority of social architects are either those who are over-there for others, not for self, or make others be over-there for them but are not there for self or others, there is a tragic minority whose presences have been so darkened that they do not permit themselves even a glimmer of worthiness. These persons who are so alienated from self neither give to nor expect to receive from others. Their lifestyles reflects their interior blackness: drop-out from all challenges, apathy, hopelessness, despair, addictions to alcohol, drugs or extreme drive, ambition, work addiction, lovelessness, isolation and neglect of physical and emotional welfare.

Staying on the road inwards requires discipline, patience and support from others. As regards the latter, it helps to surround yourself with people who are life-giving rather than life-taking. Join courses and groups that are dynamic, progressive and affirm the worthiness and vast capability of each person. Remember that embracing your own worthiness is not an act of selfishness and it is not narcissism; contrary to what we are told, there are protective obsessions arising from not loving self and the fierce need to make others love us.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of several books.