Parenting: A comprehensive survey of Irish couples seeking relationship counselling has lessons for us all

This month, the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service (MRCS) published the results of a survey of couples who came to their Dublin office for relationship counselling. One hundred and sixty couples who used the service between 2000 and 2002 answered a range of questions about their experience of unhappiness in their marriages or relationships. The results provide a useful insight into the factors common to unhappy unions.

The results are interesting because they appear to debunk the myth of the modern assault on relationships that would have survived in simpler times. To a large extent, the problems that undo a relationship today are the same as they ever were. The wider issues of gender roles, work pressures, time constraints and the availability of divorce impact only on a relationship that is already undermined by the simplest and most destructive behaviours that couples engage in - criticising and not listening. It seems that where couples are prepared to accept each other's weaknesses and listen to each other's needs, most problems can be overcome.

Sounds simple, doesn't it? Well it's far from simple. As Jacob Needleman, professor of philosophy at San Francisco State University puts it: "There is nothing, nothing in the world, that can take the place of one person intentionally listening or speaking to another person. The act of conscious attending to another person . . . can become the centre of gravity of the work of love. It is very difficult. Almost nothing in our world supports it."

According to the MRCS report, the men and women who attend for counselling typically feel powerless and hurt while apparently unaware of how their own behaviour is affecting their partner.

This raises another critical aspect of relationship breakdown - perception is more destructive than reality. A partner elects to react badly to the other's behaviour depending on the overall health of the partnership. For example, within a loving relationship, there may be no problem regarding the distribution of tasks in the home. Maybe she does a bit more than he does in the kitchen. Maybe he earns a bit more than she does and pays more towards the bills. This is an issue only where couples have damaged their relationship through criticism and failure to listen to the needs of the other.

A large percentage of couples surveyed expressed dissatisfaction with the way that childcare and housework was shared in the home. However, when the level of dissatisfaction was measured against the actual distribution of tasks, the two figures did not tally. That is the say that in a household where domestic responsibilities were split 20/80, the couple in question were no more likely to express unhappiness with the arrangement than in a household where tasks were divided 60/40. The analysts concluded that perception of fairness in the distribution of housework and childcare is shaped less by the actual distribution of these tasks and more by the quality of the relationship.

The MRCS study lays bare the contrasting expectations of men and women when it comes to relationships. Of the clients interviewed for this study, more than a third of women and 14 per cent of men claimed to be very dissatisfied with the relationship.

The authors of the study contend that women assess themselves in the context of their relationships - if the relationship is unsuccessful, the woman feels unsuccessful. Men, on the other hand, look for self-actualisation in a wider context that draws in careers, pastimes and other relationships. Women, therefore, are more likely to perceive a problem in the relationship. This is borne out by the survey - 70 per cent of first counselling sessions at MRCS are initiated by women.

The key area of greatest dissatisfaction among the surveyed couples was not sex, children, work or money. It was cohesion - having a chat, sharing a joke, having a calm and engaging discussion or working together on a project. These simple activities prove difficult for many couples. Sixty per cent of men and 79 per cent of women surveyed claimed to be very dissatisfied with the level of cohesion in the relationship. Couples are expected to be best friends. They feel like failures if they do not get on better with their partner than with anyone else. This feeling of inadequacy feeds into itself and makes cohesion even more elusive.

But couples need to feel free to be distant at times, communicative at others. British psychiatrist Anthony Storr urges couples to lift some of the burden of happiness off the primary relationship. "Our expectation that satisfying intimate relationships should, ideally, provide happiness and that, if they do not, there must be something wrong with those relationships, seems to be exaggerated . . . If we did not look to marriage as the principal source of happiness, fewer marriages would end in tears."

Ultimately, this survey was conducted by the MRCS to establish whether relationship counselling works. More than two-thirds of the clients in the study moved from being stressed to being stress free. Counselling helped a third of clients to improve their relationship, with the result that six out of 10 men and four out of 10 women were satisfied with their relationship at the end of counselling. The act of taking control of the situation is therapeutic in itself - clients can improve simply by being on a waiting list for counselling.

Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly, researchers on marriage and divorce, have reached the conclusion that in male-female relationships many obstacles can be overcome if both partners gain some insight into how to handle conflict.

"In spite of the fact that the roles, opportunities, and attainments of men and women have become more similar over the past 30 years, notable gender differences still remain in how husbands and wives function in close personal relationships. Men may not be from Mars and women from Venus; both have strong needs to be loved and valued by another person. But the way they express closeness, communicate and deal with conflicts often differs significantly," they say.

This is a hopeful conclusion for all couples experiencing difficulty and an endorsement of the counselling process for those who feel that the relationship is slipping away.