A parent not dealing effectively with a teenager or child who responds aggressively to a "no", or to a request to do something, is a familiar scenario. Sometimes the young person's verbal aggression can spill over into violence toward a parent or self, or destruction of property.
Some children, or adolescents, can keep up the onslaught for a lengthy time. The more "out-of-control" the aggression is, the more difficult it is to deal with the situation calmly and effectively.
Parents can be certain of three things: the purpose of the aggressive response is for the perpetrator to control the parent in order for him (or her) to get his or her own way; aggression is not an acceptable means for any member of the family to gain any favourable response to a need; responding to aggression with aggression is guaranteed to escalate the "out-of-control" situation.
In the first instance, the issue is emotionally weighted for the perpetrator and that has triggered the emotional and/or physical storm. However, in the immediate situation, the perpetrator is in no place to hear reason and it is counterproductive to attempt to discuss or argue the "hot" issue. The response needed is one that will defuse the situation. Very often that means saying nothing more and removing yourself from the perpetrator.
After all, you have made your position clear - or have declared a particular need. To continue to protest your situation not only weakens the conviction of your position but it provides the perpetrator with a chink in your armour. More often than not you will be pursued and the pressure will continue. But aggression is like a fire - feed it and it will blaze all the more; stop feeding it and it will go out. So, when pursued, maintain your "no response" stance and address yourself to the task in hand.
Later on, when calm has been restored, it is advisable to inquire what had led to such an unacceptable outburst? Do not assume that you know what is wrong with your son or daughter but, certainly, show concern about the level of upset they exhibited. With regard to the second certainty, there needs to be a very definite ground-rule within the family that under no circumstances will aggression be tolerated as a means of interaction.
What is accepted and encouraged is mutual respect and a communication that is direct, clear and allows the receiver the freedom to say "yes" or "no" or "I'll need to think about it".
Your child does deserve an explanation for a negative response. The most powerful consequence to aggressive behaviour is that it does not achieve its end . . . control.
Furthermore, because aggression violates the rights to respect and safety of parents and other siblings, some sanction needs to follow its manifestation. The purpose of the sanction is not to punish but to vindicate and restore the parent's violated rights. The sanctions can range from a request for an apology, to a deprivation of a privilege, to a reporting of the violation to an authority figure. It is vital that the sanction is imposed in a way that is respectful, non-punishing, and with meaning. For example: "I am not accepting being pushed by you because I deserve respect and safety. I am going to report this matter to your father. My purpose in doing this is to ensure no further violations of my rights."
In applying a sanction it is mature to start with the least and, when necessary, work up to the most safeguarding of the sanctions. A sanction is only a sanction when it restores a violated right. Once the right is reinstated no further reference to the aggressive action needs to be made. Some parents keep bringing up, like a broken record, incidences of aggression. Such threatening behaviour is bound to produce another hostile response. The third certainty about aggression is that a defensive (rather than an assertive) response will aggravate the situation. However, it takes considerable maturity on the part of the parent to stay separate, firm and calm in response to a son's or daughter's aggression.
Because parents perceive their child's response as a criticism, or rejection, of them, they feel hurt, and the tendency is to lash back. It helps enormously when parents can stay separate from their children's aggression and read the difficult behaviour as being 100 per cent about the perpetrator, and not saying an iota about the receiver. The reason for each child's (or parent's) aggression is unique, but it is safe to say that some perceived hurt, rejection, misunderstanding or threat preceded the aggression. When the dust has settled and the parent has followed the procedures outlined above, the mature response is to provide as much safety and love as possible and inquire what has hurt or threatened your son or daughter.
Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of A Different Kind of Discipline.
