If Prince Charles decides to have a best man for his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles, Frank McNally has the perfect speech in his pocket
Archbishop, reverend fathers, ladies and gentlemen, and any commoners who evaded the security check. We're gathered here today for a very auspicious - if somewhat overdue - occasion. Just to put this event in perspective, let me tell you that when Charles and Camilla first started flirting with each other, Ted Heath was prime minister and the Beatles hadn't broken up yet. I know brides are entitled to be late, Camilla. But 35 years really is pushing it.
(Pause here for polite laughter.)
Seriously, though, this is a great day in the lives of two very special people. I suppose we can't really say it's the best day of their lives. But I think it would be in their top two, anyway. Let's pray that this time their hopes are not quite so unfounded.
There are plenty of grounds for optimism. Everybody who knows Charles and Camilla knows that they have a great deal in common, not just disastrous first marriages. They just get on so well together. I mean, we've all heard the tapes! (If no laugh here, move on quickly.)
But I know that Camilla will be much more than a wife and lover to Charles. She will be his best friend: someone he can talk to when even the houseplants are sick of listening to him.
Apart from your passion for plant life, Charles, we all know about your love of traditional buildings and your dislike of some of the more recent developments in architecture. Obviously you've carried this taste into your personal life. The woman you're marrying is not a modern structure - that's for sure! In fact, she probably has protected status under the heritage acts, at this stage.
But I say: so what if her features are a combination of late Baroque and Gothic Revivalism?
The question is, will she fit in with her new environment? You yourself, Charles, once complained that a planned extension to the National Gallery would be a "monstrous carbuncle on the face of a much-loved and elegant friend". That's what Princess Di's circle said about her choice of husband! Ha, Ha!
Er, but seriously. I think I can say to you both that your latest extensions are much more sympathetic to the existing design - if you follow my drift.
Maybe at this stage, I should read a couple of telegrams from people who can't be with us today. Here's one from Charles's side of the family. Oh - how nice - it's from his mother.
(Pause here, while crowd goes "aaah!")
"I'd love to be with you to celebrate your marriage to that woman," she writes.
"But you know how it is - I had to walk the corgis instead. Anyway, I wish you well in your latest adventure, and to show that there are no hard feelings towards you both, I have arranged for the round tower at Windsor Castle to be lit up tonight. I sprinkled the petrol on it myself."
(Wait for applause.)
OK, here's another one for you Charles - from your father, this time. "Sorry, old boy - couldn't make it due to unavoidable fishing trip in Scotland," he writes. "Still, good luck on your big day. Camilla wouldn't be my choice. But she has many of the qualities needed in the wife of an heir to the English throne. I just can't think of what they are, now. Oh, wait a minute - I remember one: She's not a Catholic!"
(More applause.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I should say something about the circumstances in which our happy couple first met.
Well, it was at a polo match in 1970, and Camilla's famous opening line was: "Is that a mallet, or are you just pleased to see me?" As has been widely reported, she also said: "My great-grandmother was your great-great-grandfather's mistress, so how about it?" And although she didn't specify what "it" was exactly, according to rumours, they've been at it ever since.
As you know, ladies and gentlemen, Camilla will become a mere Princess Consort should Charles succeed to the throne. And instead of being Princess of Wales, she will be "Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall".
Which raises a question I know many of you are asking: what the hell does Camilla think she's doing, joining this appalling family? It might be helpful here to recall the words of St Thomas More, who as we know, was around at a time when a previous member of British royalty was planning to remarry. I think we remember the line from the film A Man for all Seasons, when St Thomas More confronts the petty official who has betrayed him and who has been rewarded with the job of Welsh Attorney General.
"Why, Richard," he says, "it profit a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world . . . But for Wales!" And at least that petty official got Wales, Camilla. What's so good about Cornwall?"
But, er, seriously, and to sum up. There's one last duty I must perform. I would be abdicating my responsibilities - and by the way, Charles, that's an option you might like to consider - if I did not conclude by raising a toast to the happy couple. So, ladies and gentlemen: the bride and groom!