The Last Straw: I'd never given much thought to why the country known as Greenland is called Greenland until I came across an item on Ireland's EU presidency website (www.eu2004.ie) this week.
It's a feature on the colour green, in fact, telling our new European partners just how much of it there is in this country, with photographs to illustrate.
"Maybe Ireland should have been called Greenland," the authors suggest, playfully. "And Greenland should have been named Iceland."
There's no maybe about this. I'm just glad the Government is finally raising the issue - albeit under the guise of humour - before the EU constitution is finalised. But to find out how a snowbound Arctic expanse ever came to be called Greenland, I had to look up my encylopaedia, where I read as follows: "In about 986AD, the Norwegian explorer Eric the Red discovered the island, which he named Greenland to attract settlers."
So there we have it. While most countries' names boast some historic or geographic relevance to the place they describe, Greenland is named after a 1,000-year-old tourism fraud.
Eric the Red, incidentally, was the father of Leif Erikson, who almost certainly discovered America centuries before Columbus. Unfortunately, Leif lacked the old man's genius for marketing, otherwise he'd have named his discovery "land of big-breasted women with no European-style moral hang-ups", or something like that. If he had, he wouldn't have been so ignored by history, and America would have been colonised a lot earlier.
Anyway, according to my encylopaedia, the Norse settlements established by Eric the Red (who may have been blonde for all we know, because you obviously couldn't trust a word the man said) lasted until the 15th century. Then, the Norwegians finally emerged from centuries of denial, admitted there was nothing remotely green about the island, and left.
But there's one born every minute. And in 1721, the Danes arrived in "Greenland", establishing a colony that lasted until 1979. In that year the island achieved self-government from Denmark, apparently without a fight (I wonder why?); and in 1985, it left the EU altogether, while retaining Danish sovereignty.
Somewhere along the line, its capital city dropped the colonial name Godthab in favour of the Eskimo title Nuuk, which, unlike the country's name, at least has a certain deterrent quality. But the decolonialisation process only went so far, and Erik the Red's shameless promotional name for the island remains in use today, a trap for unwary travellers who ignore the small print.
Clearly, from an Irish point of view, this situation cannot be allowed to continue indefinitely. I have nothing against the people of Greenland, and I can well understand their reluctance to insist on the country's indigenous name, Kalaallit Nunaat.
It's certainly not as catchy as Nuuk. Meanwhile, however, the most verdant country in Europe is stuck with the title "Ireland", a name whose origins are lost in antiquity, and which - inter alia - carries the implication that we are a nation with a bad temper.
The point is, by any international standard, the description "green land" should belong to this country, the way "Norway" belongs to the Norwegians, and "Parma ham" belongs to Parma. We have at least 40 recorded shades of green here, whereas I'd say Greenland would struggle to produce one, at short notice. Indeed, by sheer coincidence, 40 is also reportedly the number of different words that the Inuit people have for snow. I rest my case.
I know we're probably not going to rename this country anytime soon. But "The Emerald Isle" has always been useful as a subtitle for Ireland, and if the trademark became available, "Greenland" could have a similar role. Besides, who knows if the current trend for rebranding products and companies will not eventually extend to whole nations?
With the spread of globalisation, future maps of Europe may even have countries called "The Heineken-sponsored Netherlands", or "Latvia, in association with Microsoft", or "Ryanair (incorporating the territories formerly known as Belgium)".
As it is, we're already marketing ourselves abroad as "Ireland the Food Island". With a growing demand for organic produce, we know that there's money in greenness. In terms of potential, the name "Greenland" could be the marketing equivalent of Rockall, and we should stake a claim to it now.
I'm sure we can work this out politically, and without resort to military means. As the supplement that appeared with this paper on Tuesday illustrated, the history of Europe has been a weary succession of wars, often over minor territorial disputes.
Thankfully that's all behind us now. On the other hand, in population terms, Greenland is only about the size of Limerick (but not as heavily armed).
If we invaded now, it could be over by Christmas.
