SKETCH:It's been quite a mission. Doing good and helping rebuild a cash-strapped land
“I love it when a plan comes together,” drawls Hannibal Kenny, lighting up a big fat cigar after a job well done.
The A-Team – soldiers of misfortune sentenced to run a country for economic crimes they didn’t commit – are on the run from an angry electorate.
They hope to clear their names by 2016 but, in the meantime, they dedicate their time to doing good and helping the oppressed, like retired politicians on big pensions and people living in country piles who couldn’t possibly be expected to pay property tax on the full value of their estates.
“The plan is working,” Hannibal declared yesterday, as he marked the end of year two of the team’s Operation Government.
‘Ain’t gettin’ on no plane’
He was joined by Mr Tánaiste, whose famous catch phrase “I ain’t gettin’ on no plane” is not really appropriate any more, given that he’s now Minister for Foreign Affairs and hardly ever off one.
It was just the two of them – the rest of the A-Team stayed behind.
No sign of the likes of Howlin’ Mad Hogan, James “The Face” Reilly and BA Rabbitte. Just Hannibal Kenny and Mr T.
They called a special press conference in Government Buildings to reflect on their work over the past year.
This will be followed up by a special “Now We Are Two” tour, with a large number of gigs in Meath East where they intend to congratulate themselves with the utmost humility until byelection day.
There wasn’t a huge amount of interest from the media in the programme for government’s second birthday, with a sparse attendance from journalists.
It isn’t as if the Taoiseach and Tánaiste were going to deliver any surprises. There wasn’t even a goody bag on the way out, just a complimentary copy of the Government’s Annual Report 2013.
It should have been subtitled The Terrible Twos. Instead, we got Year 2: Rebuilding. Two down, five to go.
Cigar-chomper
If everything goes to plan, Hannibal Kenny, chomping contentedly on his cigar, and Mr T intend to be on a reviewing stand in 2016, taking the salute outside the GPO and thumbing their noses at Sinn Féin.
So, if year two was all about rebuilding, what about year one? Demolition . . . Excavation . . . Panic? And after doing the blockwork, we should get another document next year called Getting the House in Order.
Year four will be a rather pricey Interior Design, leading to year five and Losing the Run of Ourselves before a final building report is rushed out in the dying days of the regime: Quick, Whitewash the Entire Place and We’ll Feck Off to the Polls Before They Notice.
It has to be said that the Coalition took a very low-key approach to marking this particular birthday.
The memory is still fresh of last year’s crass attempt at triumphalism involving backbenchers cavorting around Merrion Square Park holding up big cardboard stars.
So instead, it was all about “The Plan”. Not the five-point plan. Not the VHI plan. Not Plan B. Just “The Plan”.
With which they are well pleased.
‘Sense of stability’
“A sense of stability has returned to the country,” declared Enda.
“The record of the last two years speaks for itself,” intoned Eamon.
But just to be on the safe side, the two men outlined their achievements in detail, with supplied notes.
“No one is claiming that it has been easy and no one is claiming victory,” was the message.
But the two men, and their parties, are solid as a rock. When Enda spoke, Eamon tilted his head in his Taoiseach’s direction and gave him his undivided attention.
Then, when Eamon spoke, Enda gave him the Nancy Reagan stare of devotion. But not for too long.
Rosy in garden?
But is everything in the garden really so rosy after 24 months in power? The opinion polls say otherwise.
“I don’t comment on opinion polls,” said the Taoiseach, and so there he should have stopped.
“But I notice the two of them show very big variations . . .” Not that he comments on them.
Then there’s the regular reports of tensions between Fine Gael and Labour.
As the Tánaiste dismissed them – a little too enthusiastically – the Taoiseach stuck his head into the frame and simpered “False!”
This A-Team was keen to stress how they delivered stability from chaos.
Mr T pointed out that there were just five months of funding left in the national kitty when the Coalition took over from Fianna Fáil.
“Patently untrue,” snorted Micheál Martin afterwards, before explaining that it was mainly a series of unfortunate global events that brought about Ireland’s economic catastrophe.
Fianna Fáil only played a minor role.
As Micheál took to the plinth to dismiss the report, the party’s candidate for East Meath had already been welded to his leader’s shoulder.
Bespectacled man
And when the Sinn Féin leader strolled out to give a similarly tepid response to the Government’s second birthday report, a bespectacled man whom we’ve never seen before had been surgically attached to his left ear.
The candidates will remain fixed to their leaders until the byelection is over.
But back to Government Buildings and the fascinating contortions of Hannibal Kenny and Mr T as they patted themselves on the backs, yet tried to make it look like they were doing nothing of the sort.
But boy, don’t they love it when a plan comes together? (At least to their eyes.)
