The Problem
Maureen wrote in to say that six months ago her husband left their 14-year marriage for a considerably younger woman. Maureen has a job, they will sell the house and divide the profits, she knows that her husband will not come back to her and she has almost stopped hating him. So in ways the situation is not as bad as it might be, but, as the new century dawns, she has no spirit or hope left and wonders if readers had any insights or words of encouragement for a woman of 42 who doesn't think she needs a shrink, a toyboy or a world cruise.
IT'S amazing the kind of advice people come up with. I remember years and years ago when I was deeply disconsolate because some man had said goodbye to me, a friend said in an attempt to cheer me up: "Now that you'll have plenty of time on your hands, you can come beagling with us".
I have thought about that often over the years and wondered what kind of signals I must have been sending out that anyone on earth, let alone a friend, might have thought that beagling would have restored some purpose to my life. But I suppose we do it all the time, offer wildly inappropriate advice to people confident that it will transform their lives for the better. And the odd thing is that sometimes it actually does.
I knew a woman whose husband had died and who just could not get back to terms with life no matter how she tried. No matter how many times you tried to take her to some social event she just sat there and wept, hugely apologetic, but weeping all the same. A local shopkeeper pretended that she badly needed help three mornings a week and she couldn't find anyone she could trust. We all said: "Oh yes, let's give this five minutes." And then it became five days a week, and she couldn't cry in the shop serving people, and she was too tired to cry when she got home at night. Now they run three shops between them.
All right, it wouldn't work for everyone, it wouldn't work for me. If I were bereaved and saw happy couples shopping I might want to poison them all out of sheer rage.
And therefore I wouldn't necessarily go round to the Cat Protection people and get Maureen a marvellous, mad moggie with staring eyes and a low IQ because, amazingly, there are people out there for whom this kind of furry ball would not be a huge consolation and a companion. They might think in terms of allergies, and claws on good furniture and what to do when they went on holiday.
And talking of a holiday, I wouldn't immediately recommend that anyone who had suffered a loss should go off alone for a vacation on the grounds that Change Is Good. I did that myself when my father died and it was the worst time of my whole life.
On the other hand, I spent several weekends with friends in places I had never been before which had no memories and no association and I felt much better after two nights in Kanturk, in Wales and in Derbyshire. Short-term bursts of change are fine but Maureen is looking for something more permanent.
She did say in her letter the things she didn't want but a lot of you thought she might in fact want them after all. You'd be surprised by how many people told Maureen that she must lose a stone whether she wanted to or not, she would feel so proud of herself .
They said she should get make up lessons, have facials, make a friend of her local gym, join a dating agency at once so that she doesn't lose the art and technique of relating to men.
Three people told her not to knock embroidery until she had tried it. Ten people suggested bridge, eight brought up book clubs, there were lots suggesting voluntary work on the assumption you'd think less of your own problems if thinking of someone else's, almost everybody said that she must forget the ex-husband and spend no time looking back revisiting the years of her marriage. Two writers said she had probably had 12 years of a very happy marriage and around two of a bad marriage, and that she should concentrate on the 12 and blank out the two.
Four of you said that she should pray for strength and comfort, and just because Maureen might not think that there was a listening God, that didn't necessarily mean it was true.
One woman said that she should pursue her husband ceaselessly and hound him into the ground. He'd be sorry then. One man said that it took him two years and then, one morning he awoke and realised he was cured, and that he didn't want to cry over the wife who had left him, that his broken marriage now seemed like history, like looking back on his schooldays.
Another man wrote in and said he'd like to marry Maureen as soon as she was free, but it was only fair to that he had a fairly unreliable reputation in such matters and he wouldn't want her to be in any way misled.
I was particularly touched and interested by the young people in school in Tullamore who spent a great deal of time and effort trying to suggest solutions and have sent two of them book tokens. Since at the age of 14 these writers are unlikely to have gone through a marriage break-up their interest and concern was admirable, but then they have been through the end of friendships and the deep feeling of loneliness and uselessness which can come at any age.
I wish more people had written saying they, too, had been through it. Maybe they don't believe their anonymity can be kept.
My Advice
I make up my own mind before I read your letters and yet again I find myself almost entirely alone in my views which makes me think that as a temporary Agony Aunt I am not what you'd call mainstream. I think the worst thing is that you HAD his love once and that now you don't and that you might spend a great deal of sad time trying to wonder and speculate why this happened .
If he had never loved you, if no one had ever loved you and you were facing the new century at 42 feeling a bit down about this state of affairs, then I'd be all for losing the stone, joining the gym and every organisation on the face of the earth in case there's someone out there who might love you.
But this isn't the scene. What's happening is that he loved you once and he doesn't now and you keep wondering why. Nobody kept him there with a gun to his head to stay married for 14 years so what was it? Was it something you did or didn't do? Was it to do with a 25-year-old body being nicer than a 42-year-old one? Had it nothing to do with bodies at all but that you were driving him mad with boredom?
You say in your letter that you've almost stopped hating him, but not that you've stopped loving him. I don't think any amount of healing embroidery, beagling or work-outs is going to help that. You say that you want to get rid of the feeling that there's no real life ahead.
I've never had counselling myself, but I know it does work if you get someone who draws out of you the things that are really worrying you rather than things that you imagine might be. And nowadays it's as normal to discuss your mental health with someone qualified as it is to talk about your physical health. You wouldn't let your teeth rot in their gums because it was somehow a bit feeble to go to a dentist.
There might be a lot to discuss because, despite your brave face, you sound betrayed, tense, lonely and frightened, and you have lost your self-esteem. You feel betrayed because the words of love he once said to you, he is saying to another. No counsellor, witch-doctor, fortune teller, psychic, newspaper article or best friend can get him to love you again. And that much you say you have accepted.
You are tense because of the situation which you might wrongly think is foremost in everyone's minds as well as your own. This is just not so. Maureen's husband having left is important to a few friends but not all day. You are not the centre of their worlds, only your own.
You are lonely because when you come home from work there's nobody to talk to, no one to share experiences or memories with any more.
There's too much empty time, memories keep rushing back and with them, foolish, vain regrets.
If the time is too empty then certainly fill it up with all the activities that the readers suggest. It will certainly help you cope with loneliness and exhaust you. But what about being frightened and losing self esteem? This is where I find great instant satisfaction in self-help books and in blinding cliches about happiness.
All right laugh - or sigh if you want to - but then ask why millions and millions of people get a lift from things like Chicken Soup for the Soul, and Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.
I'll come right out and admit that I can get something new from The Little Book of Calm when I read it. Not every page of it and, like everyone, I think lots of it is idiotic but then I read something like getting up to look at a sunrise, or slowing your breathing down to five to eight times a minute, and I think that if they could wipe the supercilious sneer off their faces, things like that would make everyone feel better, whatever the circumstances. Because I know Maureen is a real person, with a real problem, which none of us have answered properly, I feel guilty. She didn't give her address, so I can't send her all the envelopes of suggestions that came in. She may well think I am more bland than butter and not go out and browse in all those comforting self-help books that I believe will always have a hidden gem buried in them, something particularly appropriate when all the rest seems dross.
One reader, C. W. of Stillorgan, copied out Nelson Mandela's inaugural speech of 1994 in case it might be of some help. And it just might, Maureen.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It's our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: `Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be - you are a child of God, Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."
It goes on and it's all inspiring and takes away any excuse from those of us who go through this business of thinking we are not important and there's no real role for us to play.
Your Advice
I know you said that you really didn't want a new hobby but when things aren't going well (i.e. a row with your best friend that leaves you feeling as if you'll never speak to her again, even though that isn't as near as catastrophic as your problem is) I go out and tell my horse, Etain, all my problems. I cry into her beautiful thick mane and stay there until I've got all my problems off my chest. Horse-riding is the perfect activity. One meets so many people, all of whom are extremely friendly, in activities like show jumping, racing, crosscountry, dressage, three-day eventing. But what is really heart-warming, is the bond you can build up with a horse.
The amount of trust you can have in each other (and a horse won't run off looking for another owner), the sense of real achievement when you win a competition. Also worth considering are the early hours of the morning you spend with your horse in preparation for a show, or when going hunting and, last but not least, the meeting of new friends at these functions. It may not be your ideal occupation but give it a try. I hope you enjoy yourself. Gillian Moran, Rahan, Tullamore, Co Offaly (aged 14)
You seem lonely, go out and make some friends, in your job, the hairdresser's, your local pub or shop, there's plenty of people out there to meet. Even if you're a quiet or shy person, go bowling or ice-skating, you'll meet people somewhere. Get a dog or cat or any pet for company at home. Take up a course - computers, interior design and art are all options. Maybe you'd like to travel to see the world. If money won't allow, save up. It will give you something to aim for. Travel, even if you just go around Ireland. Go bungee-jumping, parachuting, scubadiving, maybe skiing.
If you're interested get into antiques. There are many auctions around, or purchase and do up a cottage in the country. Trace your family tree, it might bring you halfway across the world! Give it a shot Maureen and good luck.
Sandra Thomas, Screggan, Tullamore, Co Offaly (aged 14)
I would love to have a magic recipe for you, but all I have are a few questions and observations. I hope they help. If they don't, I hope someone else will have the answer you need.
My first question concerns your emotions - have you given them a good airing? I believe that we must recognise and accept our negative feelings or they will not go away, but will remain to gnaw away at us and prevent any real healing. I find it useful to write a few pages each day, everything and anything that crosses my mind. These are pages that no-one, not even I will read, so I don't have to worry about style, or how it sounds. I can write what I want, and it really helps to get things off my chest.
Second question: how much attention do you give to the present moment? Do you look at the beauty around you such as a ray of sunshine, a spider's web, a nice cuppa, a friendly smile, so many things to warm the heart and help us feel better.
Finally, have you thought recently about what you enjoy doing - really enjoy doing? If it helps, you could make out a list of everything you can think of, no matter how simple or seemingly silly. Are there any that you haven't done for a while or never actually got around to? Now's your chance! You are free to do what you want, when and how you want.
I know it's not easy to get over such a deception, but maybe by taking it a step at a time, by concentrating on the moment at hand, by trusting and following your instincts, you can gradually begin to enjoy life again and perhaps the future will fall into place by itself. I believe it is possible. However you decide to work through this difficult time, I hope you find your way to a happy and fulfilled life. Best wishes Maureen.
Mairead Ni Luasa, Paris, France
Anyone who isn't confused doesn't understand your situation Maureen. You say you are open to anything, yet you have clearly defined what you don't need. Perhaps you should re-consider everything with the exception of embroidery. Your nieces might appreciate that Irish dancing costume while you are vegetating at home by the fire. Avoid the agony aunts. I sometimes suspect they are all jilted women in various stages of recovery. Oh that a cure were readily available! Mending broken hearts is as difficult as growing hair on bald heads. Yet charlatans have made millions in both fields. I have a remedy in mind Maureen, but the editor would most likely censor it. Instead, you could try haunting this 25-year-old. And do it in a way that she doesn't need breakfast cereal in the mornings.
Maurice Boyle, Dublin 11
Maureen is going through a bereavement which has the same pain and bewilderment associated with it as if her husband had died. She should not judge the rest of her life based on what she is experiencing and feeling now. It may help her to read some of the literature available on the subject. Elizabeth Kubler Ross has written very well on this subject and I'm sure there are others. Hang on in there, it will get better.
Margaret Riordan, Dublin 20
Next Month's Problem
Phyllis writes: "Oh, if only my problem was as easy as Maureen's, I would face it so well. I'd walk away from that marriage and start my life again. She has no ties, no need to see him each week and live over the hurt and the upset. I am about the same age and about to separate from John but we have three children - the youngest is only five - whom we both love greatly so we will have to meet regularly.
His family is very hostile to me, and mine to him, so there isn't a nice, neutral ground of loving grannies and extended families. We have fought over everything so far, like whose fault the break-up was, like money and income and access. So far we have done it behind closed doors but, of course, they know.
Has anyone tried this mediation business and, if so, does it work?
How can you be calm about seeing children you love holding Daddy's hand and being overjoyed to see him when he has access? And to be fair, how can John bear to see them running back to me afterwards? Sadly, the marriage is over and we can't stay together just for the children's sake so we need advice about how to cope with it.
Is anything on earth, apart from that famous time, going to make it feel better?
A letter to Phyllis as soon as you can, please to: PO BOX 6737, Dun Laoghaire, Co Dublin. Writers of letters published will receive a £25 gift token. This problem will be dealt with in Maeve's column on March 11th.