ASK THE EXPERT:Childhood is a process of developing independence and that process starts at toddlerhood, writes David Coleman
I HAVE A lovely 19-month-old son. He was an angel baby. I put him in a routine from about six weeks and he seemed to thrive on it. He enjoyed his baths, books, bottle and bed. He was sleeping through the night and has been great.
In the past month or so he has started to develop a "new" personality! He has these "fits" or "tantrums" which leave me in tears! I don't let him get away with screaming or anything but I am wondering could there be something else wrong.
I have never seen a baby have a fit like this before; I just can't believe it's a tantrum and he has started the terrible twos!
He seems to be very, very particular. He likes things a certain way and likes it that way all the time. I am afraid to encourage this behaviour and that it may well lead to his having obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or something like that. (My husband thinks I'm mad for worrying about that at such a young age) but I am just so afraid that I don't know how to deal with his emotions and he will therefore not be able to handle them and it could lead to him having some mental or personality trauma.
Please don't tell me I'm overreacting. I am really worried about it and figure if we can start early and train him how to handle his emotions it will be better for him in the future. I really want to help him.
The life of a baby is great; all that being minded being carried, being fed, being loved and being comforted. Who wouldn't want it? When babies are small infants, up to the age of at least 12 months and often longer, they believe themselves to be indivisible from their primary carer.
In practice, for most babies, that means that they believe they and their mothers are one being. It is only from the age of 12 months or so, as real independent movement becomes easier and expressive language begins to develop, that they begin to realise that they are separate from their mother.
On the one hand, they can be upset at the loss of that intimate connectedness but on the other they can revel in the new-found freedom of being a separate being with desires and purpose all of their own.
We often think of adolescence as the time when children break free of their dependence on their parents and move to independence. But the reality is that all of childhood is a process of developing independence and that process starts at toddlerhood and continues through childhood, adolescence and into young adulthood.
However, we parents often get a shock when our toddler begins to assert their independence; because, although they have an instinctive desire to assert their will, toddlers regularly lack the social sophistication to assert themselves harmoniously. Thus toddler tantrums based on their assertion of "no" or "I do it my own self" or "I wear my jeans" become a frequent and frustrating part of life.
Your toddler sounds like he has had a beautiful infanthood, where his needs were fully and efficiently met. In such a situation he responded angelically, to use your term. He soaked up your care and attention and he loved it.
Now he is indeed experimenting, not with a "new personality" but certainly with a new aspect of his personality: his free will. Shocking, frustrating and upsetting as it may be for you, he is just doing what comes naturally.
For the past 18 months the world has revolved around him. He believed he was the centre of the known universe and if he wanted anything he got it, because from his perspective his thoughts were your thoughts and so you acted according to what he needed.
Disappointingly for him, he is now beginning to realise that the world doesn't turn around him and that, in fact, you have independent thought that is occasionally at odds with his own. I'll bet he doesn't like that! So he is now learning (but not necessarily liking) the fact that he must march to another's beat.
In your situation this natural developmental shift that is occurring seems amplified and intensified, possibly because of the strong counterpoint between his angelic former self and the current tyrannical despot who must have things all his way.
However, he is unlikely to be developing OCD, nor will you encourage any development of it, by letting him have his own way some of the time. Lots of small children have iron-bound routines, habits and behaviours. Some of the time we can work around them, other times they must work around us.
So, sometimes we can remove the source of frustration from a toddler and ease their tantrum. Other times we can't; we must stick by our plan, not theirs and in such cases, simply empathising with him about the frustration he feels is enough emotional support to allow him to learn to deal with his feelings.
However, it may be many more years of empathising yet, before he might finally tell you about his feelings before showing you!
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Playand broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website www.davidcoleman.ie
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie