New relationships can disturb the delicate balance of a child's sense of security, writes Angie Mezzetti.
WORKING OUT new relationships when marriages and relationships breakdown inevitably brings challenges for the parents, partners and children involved. It is vital that both families work out a parenting plan that can avoid or minimise these conflicts, according to the Family Mediation Service which has been facilitating these type of arrangements since 1986.
Emer Hayden, in its Letterkenny office, says the things that worry children when their parents split up are basic things such as where are they going to live, what the new accommodation will be like and how the money will be split between two families.
"With the emotion surrounding the old and new relationships it can be difficult to keep focused," she says.
Sheila Healy, Family Mediation Service Dublin office co-ordinator, says they help people from all walks of life and all forms of families, from those who were never married to short-term couples or long-time married and now separated.
In recent years, she says, women are at least as likely to initiate separation as men and this is often due to greater financial independence of women.
"The impetus for a couple coming to us looking for a new arrangement is often when one partner is in a new relationship and a new partner is pregnant.
"We don't give advice, but we facilitate the drawing up of a new parenting plan, particularly if the children from the original marriage or relationship are going to be involved in the new situation. We help the couple think through the issues and how to handle them."
The language around family groupings is very important, according to Lisa O'Hara of the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service (MRCS).
"The first family is called the 'original' family, the second relationships family is called the 'step' family."
MRCS is a non-denominational counselling services for families in the Republic and they see many different family combinations who are trying to work their way through difficult situations.
"There are over 70 kinds of stepfamily so it is a very complex area and these are not straightforward relationships. One of the biggest differences between them is that the step family is always borne of loss," says O'Hara.
However, she believes it can be an opportunity for great healing if it is handled correctly.
"The 'original' family has a shared history, with fully developed traditions and ways of doing things, while the 'step' family may still be developing theirs," she says.
"The biggest problem can be unrealistic expectations for the new relationship. One partner from the original family may go into a new relationship with rose-tinted glasses and expect everything to be okay and everyone will love each other. In reality it takes the average step family five to seven years to settle and stabilise."
There are recognised phases in this settling down period, according to O'Hara.
"Everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning. The parents will be doing their best with the kids doing things and going here and there. This typically lasts about two to three years.
"Then the middle stage tends to bring out tensions. Conflicts start to come to the surface and these are either dealt with or not."
She says the average family goes through this for two to three years. The later stage lasts one to two years when everything starts to settle down and people adjust to each other's faults and failures and new routines come into effect.
For teenagers, the middle conflict stage can be particularly hard to handle because they are going through that rebellious stage in their own psychological development.
"They may feel that their wishes are not being considered and it is during the teenage years that vocabulary expands and they develop the ability to discuss and argue. Their natural urge is to break away."
Sheila Healy says that sometimes children get confused by different rules in different houses. "Tidiness is often an issue. How and where you do your homework is another and there can be confusion over who makes the lunch in each house," she says.
"Another problem is bedtimes. It can be confusing if there are different bedtimes in two different houses. Sometimes the child will be expected to make their own bed in one house and not the other. And this all adds to confusion and anxiety." They recommend making bedtimes and routines similar in both locations.
Discipline is another difficult area for stepfamilies, according to O'Hara. "We say to parents that the new step-parent is not the disciplinarian of your children, you are."
Healy also advises both sets of parents to factor in the grief that their children may feel for the old relationship, even though they may be glad that mother or father has found happiness with another partner.
"While they may be happy for Mam or Dad finding a new partner, they have to be sensitive around it, as it underlines the fact that they are not getting back together."
Family Mediation Service counsellors will often facilitate discussion with the children to see what they would like, but this is always done with the ground rule that the child doesn't make the decision and they are not caught in the middle.
"The most important thing from the child's point of view is that they are reassured by their own parents that they are truly loved and will always be special, that they will never be replaced by new partners or other children," says Healy.
She also stresses that children should not feel they have to worry or take care of the 'other' parent. "This is especially important for teenagers and young adults who may feel responsible for the parent 'left behind'," she says.
"In the context of stepfamilies, it is important that time alone with their own parent is set as a special time and prioritised on a weekly or fortnightly basis."
Lisa O'Hara echoes this and says it is important to bear in mind that the original parent- child relationship predates the new couple's relationship. "For the couple in the second relationship there is inevitably less time available to them as a couple because of their parenting commitments."
After a separation, moving on to find a new partner can bring its own challenges. O'Hara advises adult parents not to introduce a new partner until the relationship is serious or well advanced.
"Children don't necessarily see it as a second chance so don't expect them to like the new person just because you do, and this cuts both ways.
"Always introduce the new person on neutral territory for a brief period and minimise tension."
When a new baby comes along in the stepfamily, new tensions can emerge, particularly for the children of the original family.
The pecking order will change, particularly for the youngest child of the original family, says Sheila Healy.
"From the child's point of view perhaps where Dad has a new partner and then there is a new baby, this can give rise to feelings of uncertainty about where they fit in and questions such as: 'Will Dad love the new baby more than me?'"
O'Hara says that young children often regress and become more babyish when a new baby comes along.
"They need extra cuddles and private time, and parents should encourage the child to mark the new baby's arrival with a ritual like buying a special blanket."
How well parents handle new parenting arrangements determines how well the children will settle into new family routines.
Positive things that step families can do is to create "new memories" for the new family, advises Orlaith Donoghue, occupational/stress therapist at the Dublin County Stress Clinic in Stillorgan.
"Do things that are new and different as a unit - make a new association to establish the new grouping. This will show that the new partner is not taking over Mam or Dad's role," says Donoghue.
"Tolerance is really important especially for teenagers but with boundaries. Family rules need to be clear.
"If there are heated moments, stand back and take a minute. Literally stop and take a mental shrug, as there will be mixed emotions from everyone.
"Buy time and make sure all responses are measured and don't knee jerk. Remember, this is parenting - no matter what."
Family Mediation Service, St Stephens Green House, Earlsfort Terrace Dublin 2. Tel: 01-6344320.
www.fsa.ie
MRCS, 38 Upr Fitzwilliam Street, Dublin 2. Tel:1890-380380 and 01-6785256. www.mrcs.ienor e-mail:info@mrcs.ie