MIND MOVES:Conveying a message of always being available to the people around you, writes Terry Lynch
HOW WE utilise two of the smallest words in the dictionary - "yes" and "no" - within our lives affects to a considerable extent our mental wellbeing, or lack of. Balancing the yes/no equation can be one of the greatest challenges we face in life. I regularly find that people who live predominantly at either extreme of this yes/no spectrum are at risk of mental health problems such as depression.
The experience of a middle- aged woman who attended me some time ago confirms that there is some truth in the cliche that when we say yes to others we are saying no to ourselves. A very conscientious and hard-working woman, she was at the end of her tether.
During our first few meetings she cried repeatedly, often uncontrollably. I did not attempt to stop her crying as I felt that there was much she needed to get off her chest.
It emerged that she was the pivot around which the lives of many others revolved, including her husband, her now adult children, extended family and many others. Her husband generally seemed to take a back seat. He did not appear to be willing to share with her the responsibilities of home, the family business, parenthood and, indeed, himself.
Very competent and capable, everyone seemed to turn to her when they had a problem. Generous literally to a fault, she would drop whatever she was doing to be there for the many in her life who regularly turned to her to solve their problems.
She regularly found herself juggling many balls in the air, always under pressure to keep them from crashing around her. She stumbled from crisis to crisis, frazzled, drained and exhausted.
She rarely prioritised her own needs. She hoped that others would notice her needs and respond accordingly, but this rarely happened. She never seemed to have enough time to recharge her batteries.
On occasion she would say no to people, though this rarely had the desired effect. Either she would feel so guilty that she would get back to that person and do whatever was being asked of her, or people would just repeat the request and she would relent. She felt overwhelmed, depressed and trapped, bereft of any belief that she could resolve this ongoing dilemma.
Gradually, she came to see her own part in this recurring scenario. By always saying yes to others, she unwittingly conveyed the message to others that she was always available to those around her. She increasingly realised that she needed to prioritise her own needs more, that she had the right, the ability and the power to balance the yes/no equation in her life.
She started taking better care of herself. Previously, she responded in knee-jerk fashion to others, repeatedly finding herself knee-deep in other people's issues and problems before she knew it.
Previously, she thought she had no option but to become involved. This pattern of living had evolved over the years, becoming so second nature to her that she reacted to people and situations without a second thought. Now, before diving in to rescue the situation, she first takes a moment to reflect upon the situation and her options.
She realised that there were many such situations where either the other person was well able to resolve the situation themselves, or the other person had other options apart from turning to her for the solution. She began to encourage others to take more responsibility upon themselves.
Some of the people in her life had no problem whatsoever with her new way of dealing with them. Others resisted this change, preferring the previous status quo they were used to.
But she had changed. She was no longer prepared to have her precious reserves of energy depleted as they had been for years. She stuck to her guns.
Gradually, even those in her life who resisted this change realised that the game was up and began to pull their weight and take more responsibility for themselves and their lives.
Astonished and delighted by these unfolding changes, she found that she now had more time and energy to take better care of herself. Her self-confidence increased considerably, as did her sense of inner power, which had been virtually absent.
This woman does not have a selfish bone in her body. There was never a risk that she would flip to the other extreme, to selfishness. There was no possibility that she would lose her wonderful qualities of generosity, empathy and compassion.
These qualities needed to be reined in, so that she applied them to herself to the same extent she applied them to others. Learning to say no enabled her to reach a place of balance on the yes/no equation. In the process, she developed more balance in her life generally, leading to much greater contentment, empowerment, fulfilment, inner peace, more effective living, and richer relationships.
In a future article I will explore how being stuck on the "no" end of the yes/no spectrum can cause problems of equal magnitude.
Dr Terry Lynch is a practising pyschotherapist and GP. He is author of the book Beyond Prozac