It can be difficult for men to become full-time carers even if they have chosen the role, writes MICHAEL KELLY
I GAVE up a good corporate job about four years ago to start writing for a living – it was a major life change that I will always be eternally grateful for making. And yet, perhaps inevitably, the resulting loss of earnings (and status?) created some interesting emotional and psychological conundrums – well, I am a man after all.
Men are programmed by society to believe that our role is breadwinner-in-chief – it is a deeply held conviction and a central part of our identity, even when our partners are earning as much or more than we are.
As a result, it can be difficult to become home-maker-in-chief, regardless of whether we have chosen this new role for ourselves or have had it foisted upon us. It certainly took me some time to work these things through in my head – to become comfortable with the idea that my wife was the one bringing home the bacon so to speak, and not to feel that I was less of man as a result. Masculinity and earning potential are rather curiously linked in the minds of many men.
The division of labour in terms of household chores has always been pretty equal in our house, but I took over the bulk of it because things were pretty quiet work-wise and I thought it was only fair that I take up the slack. So I cooked and cleaned, baked and scrubbed. This is a difficult change of gear for men, not because we’re stupid and we don’t know how to do these things (even if we don’t, we can find out – we’re big boys) but because it challenges a deeply held view which we have of ourselves, a view which is, incidentally, fully supported by society.
Becoming a house-husband can be an incredibly positive thing for men, particularly when there are children involved and when it is a choice that they have made for themselves, according to Dr Noel Richardson of the Men’s Health Forum.
“If it’s a decision that a couple make together, where they sit down and decide that this is what they want to do in the interests of their family, then it’s very healthy indeed,” he says. “Men can really enjoy the role and they can be very good at it. They are inherently well equipped to be the primary carer. I am not going to say that it’s all sweetness and light, because it is very hard work. But it can be very fulfilling.”
The reason that becoming a stay-at-home dad is difficult psychological territory for some men, according to Richardson, is because the notion of men as primary carers is almost completely alien to Irish society.
He cites the example of Scandinavian countries where men are encouraged to take time off work in the first few years of their children’s lives – at least in that situation, if they do have to become carers later in life, they have some experience of it.
It can be a bigger leap for Irish men precisely because our society upholds the view that men are earners and women are carers. “Everything is set up to support the mother as carer,” says Richardson, “and there was no real concerted effort from the government to look at this when we had money, so it’s pretty unlikely to happen now.
“But I have interviewed lots of older men and they will always say that they regret not spending more time as primary carer for their kids. With young children you have such a short window of opportunity really.”
If you are sceptical about whether such outmoded views still exist, ask yourself this question. If you see a man walking around a supermarket at 11am on a Monday morning or standing outside a school waiting to collect his kids, what are your first thoughts? Are you thinking – wow, isn’t that guy great, he must be a stay-at-home dad? Or are you thinking, that poor man must be out of work?
“I would like to think that it’s not that black and white anymore and that we have moved on a little,” says Richardson, “but in some sense there is still that attitude of ‘What’s wrong with him – why isn’t he working?’
“A man needs to be very comfortable in his own skin not to be bothered by these attitudes.”
Stay-at-home dads can feel very isolated, according to Caitriona Lynch from Cúram, an organisation which promotes the value of the full-time carer role. “One dad who I spoke to told me about dropping kids to school – the mothers would be standing around in clusters and he just couldn’t bring himself to go talk to them,” she says.
“He didn’t have peers and he found it very lonely. For a lot of men, their social networks revolve around work and so when they lose that, they don’t get the opportunity to mix with other men.”
Men are starting to come face to face with the prejudices that confront all full-time parents, according to Lynch. “There’s always that question – ‘oh you don’t work?’ There is this feeling that unless you are ‘out working’ you are not really working at all; that you’re not contributing to society unless you’re cashing a pay cheque. Being a parent full-time just doesn’t have that status that having a career confers.”
The idea of becoming a full-time dad is all the more challenging for men when it is not a choice. Some 371,000 people joined the live register in March but there were twice as many men made redundant as women – this would seem to indicate that we are forcing the role of house-husband on tens of thousands of men at the moment.
This lack of choice can make a difficult situation even harder, according to Richardson. “Men who have been made unemployed are already coming from a place where they are feeling a sense of loss of identity so it’s not the ideal backdrop for such a huge change.”
The key, according to Richardson, is to keep in mind that it is only a short-term gig – that children will grow up and fly the coop and the economy will eventually recover.
“The period when your kids require looking after is incredibly short so my advice is that you should make the most of it,” he says. “We have to look on it as an opportunity. There are so many positive, fulfilling things that come from looking after another human being and being a full-time carer. It can do incredible things for your sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
“As long as the family can still put food on the table, then it is an opportunity and should be viewed that way.”
'It was really tough at first. Kids always run to their mammy'
Like many men, Fintan Kelly, pictured left, has become a stay-at-home dad out of necessity rather than choice.
"My wife is from Dublin but I was from Carlow originally and we always thought it would be nice to move back here. She works in Kerry Foods and had the opportunity to move with work so about two years ago we went for it.
"I worked in Chadwicks and I had to give up my job in Dublin but I was fairly sure that I would pick up something down here. Unfortunately, we moved at the wrong time and I just couldn't get work."
Becoming a full-time carer for Amy (5) and Adam (3) hasn't been easy, he says. "It was really tough at first. Kids always run to their mammy, so it took time for them and me to get used to each other. You get into it though. You get a routine going."
Amy is in primary school and Adam is in playschool which gives Fintan time to get the housework done.
"A lot of lads would laugh at me for saying that, but that's what I do for the day. Cleaning, washing, sweeping. You do whatever needs doing. Then at two o'clock I am off to collect them and then you are back in to feeding them. We are potty training at the moment which is a full-time job in itself."
He admits to missing the camaraderie of the workplace ("I do find it lonely") but says that his own mates are generally supportive.
"My friends understand that this is a sign of the times. Before, I used to be the only man at the school collecting kids, but in the space of six months all that has changed. Now there are nearly more men and they are all out of work."
He isn't bothered by the fact that his wife is now the breadwinner and says that the couple consider themselves lucky to be able to survive on one income.
"She always earned more than me, to be honest, so that side of it doesn't bother me. But it would be nice to be earning something.
"That said, I get great fun out of our kids and it's very fulfilling.
"I think they benefit and I know in the future I will look back on this time and appreciate that I had quality time with them."