THAT'S MEN:First step in coping is to share the problems, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
MORE PEOPLE commit suicide in a recession as we’ve been finding out lately. All the suicides of this kind that I have heard of have been of men. Why do some men take their lives while others, perhaps in worse financial situations, survive?
We will never know, but I suspect two factors contribute especially to a tragic outcome. One is that those who go under may have allowed thoughts of their dire situation to take over their mind; the other is that they may not have shared, with those closest to them, the full extent of the trouble they are in.
I strongly believe that at least some of those who commit suicide do so to get relief from the pain of endless, catastrophic thinking. Therefore it makes a lot of sense to reduce the amount of energy you invest in recycling distressing thoughts.
There isn’t a switch you can flick to make this happen, but I have a few strategies I use myself which I’ll mention here.
First, though, if you’ve got someone you can share your problems with, then please do so. If your spouse or partner doesn’t know how bad things are, it’s probably time to stop playing Superman and sit them down, lay it out and look for their emotional support.
This may not be easy on either of you, but it will be a lot harder on her if the first time she finds out how bad things are is at the inquest.
The thought of losing everything you’ve worked for is nightmarish, I know, but it’s nothing to the nightmare of living with the suicide of a loved one.
Moreover, if you take your own life you increase the chances that a relative, friend, work colleague or even acquaintance will do the same – that’s something to take into consideration too.
I said above that when in financial trouble, or other kinds of trouble, we tend to keep recycling distressing thoughts in our heads.
These distressing thoughts achieve very little, but they can do a great deal of harm. Here are a few strategies I use myself to deal with this tendency:
It helps to take my attention away from the thoughts and to put it onto whatever is going on around me at the time. This might be somebody talking, the sound of traffic, my breathing or how my feet feel against the ground or floor as I walk along. That sounds awfully simple but it takes practice. You have to do it a thousand times a day but it’s worth it.
I also use a traffic light system when I’m going through troubled times. Green corresponds to feeling fine, orange to a medium state of nervousness and red to high anxiety. So when those distressing thoughts and feelings are knocking on the door I quickly assess whether I’m in orange or red or moving from one to the other. There is comfort in noticing I’ve moved down from red to orange or perhaps that I’m on the borderline between green and orange. I don’t know why this helps but it does – try it and see for yourself.
The third thing that helps, certainly for me, is to write out my thoughts and feelings, preferably first thing in the morning. I just write about whatever is in my head for 10 or 15 minutes. It doesn’t matter if the spelling and grammar and syntax are all wrong. Nobody else is ever going to read this. Writing involves different combinations of brain connections than speech, so it literally gives me another perspective and sorts out my thoughts and my day. Again, try it and see, but don’t let other people read what you write or you’ll start to censor yourself.
In all of this remember: financial success didn’t define your value as a person and neither does financial failure. Let’s all get through this lousy time in our history alive.
Padraig O’Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living is published by Veritas. His monthly mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail