THE BIGGER PICTURE: In my mind, without a doubt, integrity is one of the most important skills for living. It is a difficult skill to develop, and one that should never be taken for granted.
It requires practice, support and love to develop it, and so, not something we can do in isolation. And while it is closely related to the important issue of fostering positive self-esteem, building and developing a child's experience of integrity is rarely identified as part of a school curriculum or parenting.
Integrity is an illusive idea. Yet, its value is well recognised by those who seek power. As a result, image consulting, consumer marketing and spin doctoring have often taken over to create illusions of integrity where none exists. Unfortunately, these illusions carry weight regardless of the facts of history - covering up a track record of actions that have hurt many while only a few benefited.
Integrity is not something you can feign, purchase or employ as part of a one-step plan. It is not something you can project into the future or give assurances for in the present.
It can only be seen in our pasts - the residue of a certain type of behaviour that is seen only in hindsight. Words do not create it. They can say anything at all. Only a trail of honest, loving, giving, often painful actions reveals its existence.
My Oxford dictionary defines integrity as "moral excellence, honesty, wholeness, soundness". In my mind, a definition of integrity must include a consistent record of commitment to honesty and truthfulness when it is difficult to do so. Integrity is built from a history of confronting struggle, not in times of happiness, joy, ease or fun.
It is only through our practices of facing and emerging from pain - being honest when it seems most difficult, demonstrating our willingness to give up all that we love for the good of others, reaching out when we feel most vulnerable - that we can attempt to grow a base of integrity.
When present, this one characteristic has a tremendous impact on people - attracting them, encouraging their trust and provoking a willingness for them to make commitments to you. It is the evidence humans require in order to invest belief and love. More importantly, however, one's ability to develop integrity impacts on one's own life.
A base of integrity allows you to look at the history of your actions in clear focus and have a sense that you can live with them. You can live with yourself. Even when things were hard, you behaved in a way that was just and pro-survival for many, not just serving your own interests.
A base of integrity reveals an insight into our greater interconnectedness with each other, an understanding for hurt and consequence, and a willingness to make moves towards the good of many rather than panicked reactions for our own immediate survival. And so, developing this skill can change the course of your life.
This type of behaviour is very endearing. It is very difficult for loving humans to reject someone who has the ability to give even when they appear to be at risk. People can make incredible mistakes. And yet, when an issue is faced with integrity, we are able to continue our belief and trust in a person throughout the difficulties. However, it is only possible when we love ourselves well. Then, only, can we consider the concerns of others as equally as important as our own.
When we are plagued with low self-esteem - the need for continued validation and repeated acknowledgement of the meaning of one's life and contribution; the need to develop one's own ego, attract power and feel superior - and these motives become focal points for our actions, it is not possible to demonstrate integrity. It is not possible to be responsible: to engage in and make worthwhile responses. It is not possible to let ourselves risk losing, because our stores of giving are too low.
Unfortunately, self-esteem is a product of how sincerely we were given to and unconditionally loved when we were very, very small. It is much more difficult to rebuild such a deep confidence in one's value and worth later in life, although still possible.
Thus, it is of paramount importance that we reflect back to very small children their inherent value, our continued belief in them, our deep respect for them, and our willingness to stay with them as we encourage them to face pain.
It is not our job as parents to protect our young people from pain (pain being much more prevalent and broader than actual danger), as much as it is about showing our trust, belief in and commitment to them as they face it.
With this, we nurture their self-esteem so they can develop their integrity.
The value of our contribution to life and living, I think, can be best judged by our store of integrity at the end of the day.
Shalini Sinha is an independent producer and journalist, and a counsellor on equality issues. She has lectured on women's studies in UCD and is co-presenter of Mono, RTÉ's intercultural programme.