The Bigger Picture Shalini SinhaWe each have many different relationships in our lives, from parents, to siblings, to intimate partners. However, there is another area of interaction that is both critical and abundant, but receives little examination: our relationships with our friends.
Friendships are the relationships we like most. It's understandable: these are people we have chosen to have in our lives. Some are acquaintances, while others grow into deep, life-long adventures, sometimes developing into intimate relationships. In any case, there is no other compelling link that draws this person to us, except that we like them.
We meet these people in chance circumstances - in classrooms, shops, offices, out for a walk, or accidentally with other people. Unexpectedly, we find common interests. We enjoy spending time with them and go out of our way to organise them into our lives.
We feel safe and have fun with them. Even in the absence of a biological or other social connection, these people become intricate parts of our lives.
Very quickly, our friends come to influence a great many aspects of our lives. All our choices - from what we do in our social hours to where we live, where we shop, what we buy, what we eat, which clothes we wear, even our hairstyles - are affected by peer pressure. More so, our perceptions of the world and of ourselves are affected by the beliefs and behaviours of our friends.
We need people to be part of our lives. We need opportunities to be vulnerable, to trust that others will love us and to receive that love, so we are understandably open to influence. If the people in our lives are not trustworthy or are in bad shape, this may hurt us.
If it turns out that our friends are actually bad for our health, it may be crucial for us to leave them and find new ones. However, choosing not to have friends is also damaging. Rather, a strong network of supportive friendships is essential for maintaining health.
A good friendship provides a place in our life where we will most often feel good about ourselves. These are comfortable, easy relationships of our own choosing. Our mutual compatibility and like for each other is both validating and empowering.
For brief moments, we feel accepted, loved and not alone in the world. This is powerful and can give us the emotional space we need to make better choices that improve our physical health. At the same time, our friendships are rarely places of challenge. Part of the agreement in being friends is to accept each other and not make things too hard.
Friends play a role different from our family in that their immediate purpose is not to develop us as people, but simply to enjoy our company and share in our lives. It is because these relationships are not focused on challenge that we so consistently find pleasure and relief in them.
There are several ways in which our friendships enhance our social and emotional health. First, they provide the outlet in which we have fun, and good, inspiring fun (not drug induced) is one of the secrets to strong mental health.
Second, we must share our stories in order to heal from difficult incidents, clarify our thoughts and maintain good emotional health. Expressing ourselves gives us the chance to bring others into our lives. It is in our friendships that we most often get this opportunity. When we take turns, it challenges our isolation and makes us part of a community.
Losing friends is very painful. It is one of the reasons why moving is so stressful. Moving communities leaves us without our social support. Quickly we find ourselves feeling isolated, rejected, misunderstood and less confident.
It's not until we have to start again that we realise it's not that easy to make new friends. We must find outlets to meet people, only to realise we'll actually need to meet 10s or 100s of people before we find those rare ones who us.
This process takes time and can leave us feeling worse and worse about ourselves. Although it is difficult, it is essential to our good health and is rewarding in the end.
As much as we might lose our friends through circumstance (via a change in job or address), many of us lose our friends through conflict. Friendships are very different from our family and intimate relationships. They are not as intense. We don't show as much of ourselves in them, and so we rarely get as tangled up in them.
However, if we have a very good friend, at some point the relationship will touch us more deeply and then things can get messy. Unfortunately, most of our friendships are not equipped to survive it.
The truth is we don't really challenge each other in friendships. We don't have to.
However, if the moment called for it and the choice was between losing someone we really liked and facing something awkward, I hope we'd do what was hard.
Fighting for each other creates a world where our love is more important, and this is the point where our friendships become something more profound.
ssinha@irish-times.ie
Shalini Sinha practises life coaching and the Bowen Technique in her clinic, Forward Movement.