ASK THE EXPERT: Conflict within a family is often linked to low self-esteem among the children
MY 12-YEAR-OLD daughter displays symptoms that are consistent with dyspraxia and to compound her difficulties further, she has poor self-confidence and self-esteem.
For some time, she has had a friendship, which meant a lot to her but was also damaging because of the controlling influence of the “best friend” and her accomplices, who are all of a similar age.
This friendship has recently been exposed for what it is through an obvious bullying incident which has had a huge negative impact on my daughter as she was on the receiving end of the bullying.
My situation is that I am separated from an abusive relationship. However, we have a working relationship (a difficult one) and the children have 50-50 contact with their father. His relationship with my children reminds me of my daughter’s relationship with her friends.
The incident has been dealt with, but I would like advice on how I can help her to value herself, to have the confidence in herself to know that she is an equal in any friendship, that she can walk away when it doesn’t feel right and she can defend herself if it happens again. Basically I want my daughter to be happy. What will I do?
I AM DELIGHTED to hear that the bullying in your daughter’s case has been dealt with. It is often one of those “which came first; the chicken or the egg?” situations in relation to bullying and self-esteem. Having low self-esteem may increase your vulnerability to being bullied but also being bullied will certainly lower your self-esteem.
I think too that your daughter’s relationship with her dad sounds like it will have an ongoing negative impact on her self-esteem unless he realises that by being controlling he is denying her vital opportunities to take responsibility and to learn from trial and error. She might also perceive him as quite critical of her.
It is often the case that we judge ourselves according to how we perceive we are judged by others. So if, for example, adults consistently label a child as “bold” or as a “messer” it is quite likely that the child will come to judge themselves as inherently bold or a messer too. It is these negative self-judgements that we come to recognise as poor or low self-esteem.
It is interesting to note too that when there is a high degree of discord or conflict within a family it is usually associated with lower self-esteem among the children.
To help your daughter you need to be empathetic. That means you must try to recognise how she is feeling and let her know that you understand. For example, even though she was bullied she might still feel the loss of the friendship with the “controlling” girl you mentioned in your e-mail. Empathy from you teaches her how to recognise her own feelings and this is central to improving self-esteem.
You need to help your daughter to identify her strengths and abilities. Focus on both her external capabilities and internal personal strengths. Once you have noted her strengths remind her how proud or pleased she must feel, herself, of those strengths.
While it is great for children to know that we value their strengths, increased self-esteem comes from them having positive self-evaluations of their own abilities.
Spend lots of time with her and give her as much undivided attention as you can. This will re-iterate for her in a practical way that she is important because she warrants your notice. Also it will remind her that you like to spend time with her because she is an inherently good person who deserves to have your company.
Children (and adults) with low self-esteem need lots of opportunities to contribute and to feel valuable. Those opportunities might be found with household tasks, or with her teacher’s help, in the classroom. Feeling useful and needed is a powerful way to feel good about oneself.
Obviously in those contributions your daughter may not always succeed or get things right. It is important, therefore, for you to treat any mistakes as learning opportunities rather than reasons to punish. So always focus on the effort that was put in rather than the outcome that was or wasn’t achieved.
Finally, I would suggest that you give your daughter as many opportunities as possible to make choices and solve problems. This increases her sense of control and responsibility in the world and will improve her self-esteem and also her confidence that she can be in charge.
Feeling able to be in charge will mean that she can choose what she wants (from a friendship or otherwise) rather than be reliant on the whim of others.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, broadcaster and writer