HEALTH PLUS: Women in violent home situations need help. They need somewhere safe to go
THE MOST dangerous place in the world is home for women in violent relationships.
They come from every part of society. They suffer similarly. They usually hide their suffering and believe they are responsible for the violence inflicted upon them.
Confidence is eroded; friendships are dismantled; relationships with families are severed as all connections outside the partnership are prohibited.
There is an insidious pattern in which the victim of violence in the home is disconnected from all dissenting voices, all those who might provide an objective perspective on the relationship: severance from anyone who might say to the victim "this is violence, this is not your fault".
As external people are removed, so too are internal resources. Self-esteem is obliterated, identity reduced to that provided by the perpetrator. Inner resilience is broken down.
The core of self is eroded. Self-loathing and self-abasement take place, so that the injured accept the blame for what is done to them.
If only they had said something. If only they had said nothing. If only they had looked up, looked down, looked away, it might not have happened.
If they could have predicted the unpredictable, foreseen the unforeseeable, stopped the unstoppable then it might not have happened this time.
Because the terror of violence is that there are no rules, no way to placate, no pre-emptive actions that can be taken, no proof in the face of paranoia, no logic before irrationality, no words that will allay that mounting anger, no shield against its violence.
Collusion is necessary: excuses for bruises, the propensity of women to "walk into doors".
With being beaten, a belief grows that one deserves it, fear takes over the capacity to challenge what is happening to oneself. It is easy to tell the downtrodden that they are insane and make them appear so to others so that when they eventually tell their tale they may not be believed.
At the start of "domestic" violence, women often think that it will not happen again. They believe the maudlin aftermath, the abject apologies, the assurances that it was aberrant, inexplicable, once off, unintended, under the influence. With time they learn that it will continue, but intermittently, erratically, unexpectedly.
They come to believe it is their fault. They should not have contradicted, they should not have tried to refute the accusation made in the imagination of the perpet- rator's morbid jealousy and regressive outrage and fear.
If only they had breathed more slowly, sighed more silently, made themselves invisible, ceased to exist, then what happened might not have happened this time.
Escape is difficult. To stay is to suffer. To leave may mean death. Leaving is not an option, or so it seems, to those whose lives or the lives of those whom they love are threatened, if they contemplate getting away.
Violence arises in the perpet- rator. Often it is fuelled by alcohol. Substances give lethality to it. Violence can arise from fear of rejection, of being abandoned, of not being loved.
It can arise because of early life experiences but that does not make it acceptable. It needs acknowledgement, anger management and psychological intervention and to be stopped.
Men are also abused in relationships. But this article is about violence towards women. It is about the extent to which too many women are psychologically tortured, physically injured, maimed, murdered and humiliated in the home: the place that should be their sanctuary, their refuge, their first source of protection love and support.
It is about the children who witness this and the fact that there is still no automatic mandatory family therapy required subsequent to the Garda being called to a home where violence is taking place.
Women in violent home situations need help. They need someone who will not accept that they have once more walked into a door. They need vigilance. They need somewhere to go. They need safe intervention and legal support.
When they decide to leave the violent partner, they need serious protection because that is the most dangerous time. That is when they are most likely to be murdered.
December should be a happy time for families. Often it is not. As Christmas approaches and many charities make their appeals, supporting those that support women and children who are victims of violence is worth considering because this is a dangerous time for them.
mmurray@irish-times.ie
• Marie Murray is a clinical psychologist and author. For information on how to help women and children in situations of violence see www.helpline appeal.org or phone 01-8684721