MIND MOVES:Unspoken contracts can cause unnecessary upset, writes Terry Lynch
DEFINED AS binding agreements between persons or parties, contracts are a feature of everyday life. If either party defaults, redress is usually inbuilt within the contract. This applies both to written contracts and to many of our everyday interactions and transactions.
There is one type of contract which is hugely influential within our lives, yet rarely recognised or discussed. Strictly speaking, these are not contracts. Herein lie the seeds of the mayhem which they can cause in our lives, as we tend to regard them with the tenacity we apply to solemn contracts.
They are the expectations we create regarding how others should think, feel and act, both in general and towards us.
We sign up to these contracts with our partner, family, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, strangers, God, life, the world, usually without spelling them out, without their full knowledge, awareness and agreement.
We draw up these contracts, expecting others to share and reciprocate our beliefs, values, principles, priorities, our ways of thinking, behaving, interacting and relating.
This mindset is understandable. Many of these contracts originate from past relationships and experiences and are designed to protect us from further hurt, fear, loss and exposure, and to help us feel safe and in control.
In the real world, it is utterly unrealistic to expect these contracts to be fully executed, thereby setting us up for repeated hurt, disappointment and disillusion. We fail to take into account a fundamental truth about people and life: people are as they are, not necessarily as we are or want them to be.
Here are some examples I have encountered. I will love you. In return, never disappoint me; I expect you to read my mind, to know what I need and when I need it without me vocalising my needs. If you get that wrong, you will pay big time. God, how could you have let this happen? I've always been religious, and in return I expected You to ensure that bad things never happen to me.
I always treat people with kindness, warmth generosity and respect, therefore others should always relate to me in similar fashion; I give 200 per cent to everything I do, therefore I expect that everyone else should too, and I expect that my input will be fully appreciated and that no one will take advantage of my conscientiousness; you have treated me very badly for years but I expect that you will treat me well from tomorrow on.
I would never dream of saying or doing hurtful things to others, therefore I expect that others will never say hurtful things to me.
I will bend over backwards, work myself to the bone for you, always put your needs first, and in return please read my mind, be good to me, never hurt me, and don't leave me; I will be funny, entertain you, be outrageous, in return, please like me; the people I trust must be perfect and never let me down; I will do all the things my friends want me to - drink excessively, smoke hash, be promiscuous. In return, I want my friends to accept me as a member of this group of friends and never reject me; things must always go right for me.
If the other side does not deliver on these contracts, we feel very aggrieved, angry, devastated, cheated, betrayed. We may want redress, even revenge. People who do not know us well cannot be expected to be familiar with the contracts we involve them in.
Hence, the more we create these contracts, the more likely we are to feel hurt and let down in our everyday exchanges with people. We also reduce our potential to meet new people and create new friendships.
The people in our lives who know us very well have been at the receiving end of our unspoken contracts often enough to have some idea of how we operate.
"Binding" is perhaps the most significant word in the definition of a contract. Within our unwritten and unspoken contracts, we place chains on both ourselves and those we ensnare within our contracts.
These contracts often create rigidity and tension within our important relationships, limiting the potential both of our relationships and the individuals within them.
Become aware of your unspoken contracts. Review them, and re-evaluate whether this is really how you want to live and relate, whether they bring you true contentment and fulfilment. By all means, have your own beliefs and values regarding how to relate to people. But remember that others may have entirely different views and approaches, which they believe in with equal conviction as you do in yours.
This will help you to be less disappointed, hurt and let down by people on such a regular basis. You will avoid becoming so deeply upset and emotionally paralysed when others behave towards you in ways which are alien to you. You will take things less personally, and be enabled to respond far more effectively to people and situations.
• Dr Terry Lynch is a practising GP and psychotherapist in Limerick